Dear Roommate,

(In regards to your plants)

I would like to apologize if you come home to dead plants, but lemme explain first:

Ever since you sent me a text about watering your plants, I have been vigilant. I have remained a faithful guard, until the unthinkable happened.

One day while I was marathon watching Netflix, and also your plants, I heard a cry for help outside. My guardian instincts kicked in and I recklessly rushed out the door. 

As you know our apartment complex is gated and the cry for help came from Outside the gate! I flung the gate open and ran out into the street, but by doing so let in a group of ninjas into our apartment complex.

Yes ninjas. Stay with me.

Having realized that this was all a ploy to have me open the gate, I rushed back just before gate slammed shut! 

Luckily our over active and exceptionally nosey landlady caught a majority of the ninjas and served them all strongly worded letters, which put them in great shame and they left. 

Well... Most of them.

You see in my rush to save the person crying for help (which turned out to be a boom box strapped to a large trash can with spray painted words "Cry Baby" written on it. I can Only assume the ninjas were Firefly fans), I had left our front door open! 

I cautiously made my way up our concrete stairs. 

And please assure your father that he was absolutely correct in assuming our concrete stairs are indeed not up to code. One of the ninjas assumed the stairs would be of normal size and length, misjudged their inaccuracies, thus causing him/her (we don't know, it's just a ninja) to break their neck. So that ninja was down, but the front door was still swinging. 

Back and forth, and back and forth, and- you get the picture.

I approached the doorway, peeked my head in, and whipped it back!

But nothing happened.

My heart was pounding, my whole body tensed as I leapt through the door and shouted "HAH!"

But nothing was there. 

Everything was in order, and the front door slowly creaked to a stop. I started to calm down as I shut the front door and began searching the rooms. I couldn't find anything, so I went to the fridge to grab some water. As I leaned into the fridge I felt a great chill. Thinking it was the freezer somehow opening, as it often does when you pull the fridge door too hard, I straightened up to close it, when I saw the dementor!

Yes! A real life dementor hovering mere inches above me!! I can only assume that one of the ninjas was dementor in disguise and snuck past over nosey landlady in the first wave of the ninja attack!

Not having my wand nearby to cast a patronus, I had to improvise! The dementor lowered it's hood and exposed its scabby vacuumy face! I looked for a shield, as I heard it starting to suck. I panicked looking around for anything, the whole room had grown dark the air completely left the apartment, the plants started to wilt, when I flung open the freezer door!

 I heard a great PHhWup PhhhWup!

Cringing, I managed to force my eyes open and see that by opening the freezer door, as the dementor tried to give me the death kiss, it had instead sucked up all of your Klondike bars! (So that's why those are gone.) Seizing the opportunity I pulled the hood over the dementor, kicked it in it's tummy, and hulk smashed him into the ground! 

In doing so, some of the potted plants jumped off their perches and fell to their doom! I had one last turn on my time piece before I had to give it back to the ministry so I used it to go back in time and save the plants from falling out of their clay pots.
Luckily they are safe.
Unluckily I no longer have use of the time piece.

After a representative from the ministry popped in to pick up the time piece, and subsequently file a large amount of paperwork seeing the rogue dementor crushed on our kitchen floor, I had a little free time.

I started to watch the World Cup game, because Qudditch isn't on for a few months (obviously), and settled into our couch. I think Time Warner is still suspicious of me illegally downloading tv shows, so I got a direct call on my cell phone. Hoping it was an acting gig I put on my cheeriest voice,
"Hello!"
"Are you watching the World Cup?" they asked incredulously.
"Why Yes I am!"
"We're sending someone to check on you."
Click.
What? But this is part of basic cable! It's airing on ABC!

Next thing I knew, there was a knock at the door. And I know this next part will sound truly unbelievable, but if you wanna know what happened to your plants, you'll have to believe this next part.

I go to the door and open it. And who should be there, but Ann Coulter herself.
Yes.
Soccer hating, rabble rousing, attention seeking, Anne Coulter.

That's right.
Time Warner Cable sent Ann Coulter to our house, because Time Warner is just that evil.

She started to diss soccer loudly with the door wide open, as is her way, which drew a large crowd. All of our neighbors, even the stray cats our landlady is so fond of, came to witness the event.

I argued with her, saying that football IS the proper name as it was a sport invented before our version of football, AND it involved feet!But this played into her hand, she went off on social rants and tirades that had nothing to even do with soccer (formerly known as "Football").

She spoke so loudly and ineffectively that small tornado formed protruding out of the black hole that was her mouth! Each time the witnessing crowd grew angry and tried to argue with her the tornado grew larger!

Grasping onto the back of our already shabby couch (which was now getting shabbier), it occurred to me that the only way the black hole demon gained power was by giving her attention!
A-HA!
"Stop!" I shouted at our neighbors "Stop!" I screeched above the swirling vortex.
"She has no power so long as we ignore her!!"

But the crowd didn't hear me, so frantically I searched around for any item that may be of use.
That's when I spotted your nail polish remover and cotton balls.
The wind had knocked open your bathroom cabinets, what can I say?

I grabbed the items and shouted at the crowd, "Hey! Look! The nail polish on my toes is from before Memorial Day!"
"That's impossible" our blonde neighbor who always keeps her blinds open shouted.
"Oh no it's not!" I replied, "See how it's barely chipped!"
"Well that's good nail polish!" says our neighbor Nikki.
"Yes it is, and I'm going to remove it!"
"WHAT!?!" the crowd shouted. And as they did so the tornado immediately dropped. Ann, winded,  saw the solvent dripping off the cotton ball reaching towards my bare toes.
"NOOOOOO!" Ann screamed in an unnaturally low voice. But I ignored her, and as soon as the cotton ball hit my toe, Ann Coulter exploded into a cloud of dust that cackled and returned into the wiring heading back to her TWC layer. A spark flew out of the electrical socket and a small shrill voice cried "I'll get you next time!!!"

The crowd, realizing the excitement was over, finally dispersed. I felt extremely proud of the days deeds, but when I looked around I saw the dishevelment of your poor plants.
They're a little worse for wear, and very dry, but they're being tended to now. A local gnome gave me advice on some Miracle Grow potion that I've been working with that seems to be helping.
Along with water, regular dosages, and not too much.

I just wanted to let you know the full story, so that you could be prepared just in case all your plants are dead when you get home.
Sincerely,
Your Roommate

Yo Bitch

So I had a very weird experience last Wednesday. 

I've been cat called before, I'm no stranger to it. Of course I've never enjoyed it, because it's degrading and senseless. Not to mention it usually happens when you're on a downer walk, is that just me? 

To me it's always that I'm kinda ambling along and out of no where there's a drive by whistle, or a "hey baby!", or one of my old favorites, "damn, look at them legs! 

Hey! Don't you know what a compliment is!?! Say Thank You!"

No sir I didn't realize that was a compliment. Thank you for educating me. 

But that's typical. Here's what happened:

It's Wednesday, I'm ambling along (happily, actually), past a retirement center when I hear a car bumping some rap music.

Hey, I like rap music! I think to myself.

The car comes to a complete stop at a light on the corner I'm walking past. As I try to figure out the song that's playing, I suddenly hear a crackly voice shout from the back seat:

"YO, BITCH!"

I pause. 

No... I heard that wrong...

Then I hear even louder:

"YO BIYATCH!!"

I turn, because this can't be right. Nothing warrants this.

The car, still idling, as I look in the back seat and a boy no more than 11 is flailing about in his, I suppose, version of "krumping."

The child gestured to a region, he probably only recently became acquainted with, and repeated his mantra:
"Yo Bitch! Yo Bitch! YO BIYATCH!"

I was rooted to the spot, mounting rage for the intent at the word and ignorance of this child. I looked to the front of the car, where two (I assume) parents were ignoring the heinous fetus whipping back in forth, a mere foot away from them. 

I wanted to yell at them all spit profanities at them, show them the thousands of women cat-called across the streets, force them to watch the women brutually called "Bitch" and every thought that crosses their minds when that word is hurled so carelessly at them. I wanted them to feel every bit of shame their son (I assume) was hurling out of their Ford Sedan and straight at me. 

Maybe it was because I was next to a senior center, but the only thing I could muscle out was:
"Youuuu WATCH YOUR MOUTH!"

The child giggled even harder, demonically retaliated:
"Yo! Bitch!"

"Watch your mouth!" I cried out again, directing it more at the parents (I assume) this time. 

The light changed and the car took off as though nothing had occurred. No scene had just transpired, like they were continuing to go about their day possibly to a local park to play on the swings. 

I have absolutely no idea what the hell that was, but I still maintain that I love rap. Despite the fact that this little brat took it as an excuse to act like that. 

Comedy and Sturf

Here's what I love:

Comedy theaters that take themselves too seriously.

Whether it's the management or the staff.

I understand having to run a business.

I understand having to be efficient.

What's hilarious is when I show up for a comedy show and all your workers look like they life.

I understand this is soooo beneath you, checking tickets and making sure peeps really do get that two item minimum, but happened to the fun?

It's clear this is a way of job. Means to keep the dream alive, but shouldn't comedy be fun? Shouldn't you enjoy the place you work for? If you don't, why are you there? I highly doubt it's for the pay. 

Almost!!

Gah! Nearly forgot to write today! 

I don't know what it is about keeping to a challenge be it's So easy to want to cheat! Say something like, "oh I'm busy!" Or, "I'll double it up tomorrow!"

I know there's no progress in that, and yet it's still so tempting to do. I think every challenge that I let myself cheat is making it easier for me to cheat more.

 I know that's exactly why I have started a 30 day an challenge. I did it once last year, felt super accomplished, and then haven't done it since. Why? Fear of letting myself down? Who can say. But it does feel like a slippery slope every time we "let this one slide"

I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune by day 20, but then again...

That's only six days away. That shouldn't be too hard, right?

Stay vigilent!

~The Goof

(Awesome footnote, I wrote "stay vigilent" and it auto corrected to "stay violent!", don't do that. That don't do. Unless it's gaming. But in general, don't do that)

Poetry

I used to hate poetry.
It was a confusion of metaphors and allusions I had no reference for.

But I loved rap.
Go figure, amiright?

When my grandfather passed away I was in the sixth grade. I had no previous experience with death but I saw how much it tore up my father. My grandfather had cancer that they said would be his ruin in less than a year. He ended up living six more years.

My family's pretty stubborn like that.

But seeing the pain my dad went through and no longer being able to talk to a man I hadn't spoken to enough, stirred something inside of me. For his funeral I wrote a poem, and I don't know what it was or what it said but I remember something finally clicked in me.

It was the feel of it that moved my words. I didn't need to make up elaborate comparisons to how the moon was a parallel to a rising tensions in a male dominated society... or you know something like that.

I think that's why I could never connect with poetry on the page, because I couldn't feel any of it. I had no way of mentally connecting to the words when I couldn't hear it as it was intended. So I related more to rap, which my grandmother was "thrilled" about, but I couldn't help it.

I stepped away from poetry from years and only recently stumbled back into it. When I went back to rap as well I realized a lot of it had changed. There wasn't that same feel of poetry, or an actual message being sent out. I turned to slam poetry and spoken word because it's still had the rhythm and truth that I really loved. I stumbled upon the British artist Kate Tempest who put her love of rap into words that I can't help but regurgitate:

"But people seem to think that if you find peace and study
It means you ain't hip hop.
Fuck off,
Hip Hop,
Taught us,
About nourishing our souls
with the wisdom of the ether above us
and the concrete beneath our feet, but
God love us,
We've had to watch our true love
gettin smothered by the industry.
Putting out a message that rap should be a simile
for trash talk and negativity
The mainstream propagates the fucking imagery
that hip hop is a lower form
rooted in stupidity"

I honestly can't say it better than that. Spoken word and rap always seemed to go hand in hand before.But now it seems like a fabricated marketing ploy to repeat the message of "I'm rich. You're a bitch. Deal with it"

Ehhhhh... I mean sure. That has it's place. Honestly I think that can be fun, but when it's all inundated with that message it loses it's originality. And just like the stuffy poetry books I could never get into during school, rap is now losing me too. Some of it at least.

My Doctor

I friggin love my doctor.

Mainly because she doesn't pander and is hysterically blunt.

Last year I was working three nearly full-time jobs simultaneously (not fun, if you were wondering). One job required me to stand outside for hours in winter, which no isn't saying much in terms of LA weather, but is saying a lot when you're already exhausted. As I started depleting my extra-curricular careers I started noticing a severe drop in my energy.

I couldn't drive ten minutes without taking a nap. Everything in my body hurt and I was starting to get a sore throat. I finally sucked it up and went to the doctor, an act I typically refuse because it's usually expensive for no reason.

Hey we'd like to take your bodies resources to look at, now please give us lots of money for that.
kthxbye

After a few tests my doctor said "Ok, so you're breathing at 20%, you have bronchitis and it's getting to the point of pneumonia."

My mind flooded with, I'm not breathing?? Oh shit this is bad! And, don't people die from pneumonia?? And goodbye all the money, all the money goodbye.  


My doctor took one at me, tears welling in my eyes, blood draining from my non-breathing face and said this most brilliant thing, "Well don't freak out, I'm gonna give you medicine."

Then when I went to my first momentous "Lady Visit," or "pappy,"  I was pretty dang nervous. You hear horror stories about what happens in the stirrups, but despite everything people told me I still felt like I was going in blind.

My ever perceptive doctor saw my anxiety ridden face and said "First time?"
I nodded.
"But you've done tampons before right?"
"Yeah."
"Ok this won't be so bad"

After an experience of what I can only describe as my doctor's failed demonstration of muppeteering, my head was swimming in pain.

"That didn't feel anything like a tampon."
My doctor turned to me smirking,
"Never said it was gonna feel like one. But you relaxed didn't you?"

Touche

The Degradation of an Improviser

The following in no way reflects the views, opinions, experiences, and/or beliefs of the writer, but sure as hell entertains her greatly.

Year 1 - You're fresh out of comedy school! You perform your first show at your place of study:

You: "May I have a suggestion for an animal please? An animal, please! ... a cat! Thank you!"

Year 2 - You have a team! One girl, two guys named Matt and one named Adam! Sometimes you rehearse! Mostly you go out to bars and talk about people who've already succeeded.

You: "Can I have a suggestion of an object please! An object! Something you might find in your house?...A watermelon thank you!"

Year 3 - You booked a web commercial this year due to that crazy wit of yours! Adam books a national commercial. You feel a little rusty so take more improv classes at a different school!

You: "Can I get a suggestion for a vacation destination, please? Somewhere you'd go to relax... Anywhere not in LA?" 

Year 4 - You've quit your improv group, they were not taking things seriously. Especially Matt 2. He slept with your best friend. Growing sick of their lack of commitment, you decide to go into teaching so that future improvisers will be saved.

You: "Gimme a suggestion for a life goal. Life goal. Something you would want to happen in your life, like as soon as possible"

Year 5 - You have kids graduating your comedy class! Matt 2 just booked a role on Parks & Rec. You watch as your star pupil gets in front of an audience of 6 people and nervously asks:

"May I have a suggestion for an animal please?"

End.

Epilogue:

Year 6 - You pull up to an AppleOne in the heart of Glendale California.

You - "May I have a suggestion for a new career please?"

Podcast Delights

I've Made it A Week!
I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little impressed that I'm still going right now. I'm the kind of person who starts a project, gets excited for three days, and then by the fourth I'm "too tired" or moved on to the next great idea. Honestly, I'll be very impressed to see how everything goes one week from today.

I really wanted to listen to the news this morning on my way to work and I kept wondering why I haven't listened to NPR in a while. After hearing a two short segments I remembered why, Member Drives. I wish I could afford helping out my local public radio, but alas the struggling actor thing allocates most excess money towards food or going to events in my industry. I'm thinking I'll make a list of organizations I'd like to help when I get to that point in my life, but for now I'll just have settle for my alternate in-car entertainment.

I turned of the radio and popped on my podcast for the morning. I am a podcast fiend. I started using them when I had to travel ten miles in three hour traffic (#LA). My top favorite podcasts at the moment are:

Comedy Bang Bang - hilarious fake interview show with a slew of the best comedians guest starring either as themselves or characters. My favorite guests include Paul F. Tompkins (who kills it every time) Lauren Lapkus, Jessica St. Clair & Lennon Parham, and Andy Daly. This show has me in tears with all the ridiculousness, and there's really no point to it but silliness. Sometimes the lack of structure can be weird to people, but once you accept that it's just for fun it'll have you rolling. I put this one on to get in a better mood or start the day laughing. It's also what helped keep me walking at six in the morning during Relay for Life. I don't, however, recommend trying to go for a run with this playing as I couldn't catch my breath.

Nerdist - A local LA favorite as most of the interviews are with some of the "best in the biz." Host Chris Hardwick has had guests like Tom Hanks, Morgan Freeman, and  Mitch Hurwitz (Arrested Development) just to name a few. Plus Chris is flanked by his two hilarious friends Jonah Ray and Matt Mira who occasionally do what they call "hostfulls" where they don't have a guest and it's just the three of them talking. Seriously entertaining, especially when you're stuck on the 405.

Improv 4 Humans- You can tell the theme of all of these by now, and yes I am a fan of comedy. This is Matt Besser's podcast, a name most will recognize for his work with UCB. This podcast is not to be missed it's hilarious and a master course in long form improv. Besser takes suggestions from twitter and infuses things like stories in the news or youtube clips to get the improv started. It's hilarious and brilliantly executed, and also features the top improvisers right now. Seriously, I had an audition where I had to improvise and was blown out of the water by the guy who went in with me. I literally walked out of the audition a big fan, turned on my podcast and heard his voice on the very episode I had been listening to (True story).

IndieFeed - Switching gears, this is a podcast from across the pond, and has an array of options ranging from music to poetry. I personally prefer the Spoken Word Poetry section of this podcast as I get to listen to artists like Kate Tempest (my favorite), Tre G (newest obsession), Sarah Kay (old favorite), and Rafeef Ziadah (check out her Shades of Anger poem). The poetry podcast also updates you on local shows in Europe and any grants that are being offered to writers bold enought to submit. IndieFeed is a great way to keep up to date with the arts and their poetry section is the best way to discover new artists around the world and get a taste of their genius.

The Moth - If you're addicted to story telling like I am, then this is the podcast for you. The Moth is an event that public radio has endorsed for the past couple years. If you haven't been to one of these events, then this podcast is the perfect way to indoctrinate you into the experience. Each event has a theme like "Shot Through the Heart: Tales of Love and Loss" where people get up and tell stories from memory. They can't be assisted by notes or visual aids, it's just stories told by the person who experienced it. It's beautifully original and perfect for a long drive anywhere.

There's so many more I didn't mention but since I'm doing this challenge of writing every day for 90 days I'm sure I'll have another opportunity to share my faves. Go ahead and give me some suggestions of your own faves!

The Day After

Uff. I. Am. Sore!

It was quite the event yesterday and I'm slowly starting to recover. Having about four hours of accidental sleep, I consider myself more fortunate than most to get that much sleep. There was a guy named Ron who walked the entire 24 hours! 

Such an inspiration, to quit whining. 

I have to dedicate my long lasting energy to sugar free red bull. There's was a point of so much energy that I think I started dancing... In public. Stranger things have happened. 

Over all the event raised $45k in support of the ACS, and I was proud to be apart of it. Albeit a little bit sleepy. 

Until next year!

~Goof

Relay for Life

Today's the day of Relay!

We've been doing this event this last two years and it's always fun to see what happens each year.

Usually the day starts off with the camp set up. Then Duchess Riot divies up their black and pink gear so that we all look coordinated.

Last year was super hero themed.

The opening ceremonies start to pump up the jams and the whole event takes a lap around the track with the survivors going first. 

Then the day begins! It's a slew of water balloon tosses, egg passes, dance competitions, watermellon eating races, bra putting on races(?), cardboard car races...

or in our case tank races. And then the anual tradition:

Dione and I getting married

Needless to say it's a great event for a bunch of comedians. So if you feel like joining us in a good cause make your way down to Walter Reed Middle school in North Hollywood. We'll be the booth with an obscene amount of pink. It'll be hard to miss! 

And if you can't make the event today, g'head and help a sista out! 

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/kelsaesser

Much love from the Goof and her DR pals

Orange

Oh holy Season 2 my friends.

That was Amazing! I'm honestly so glad to be living in an era with such amazing tv right now. Not only that but having the access to it all, I feel incredibly lucky.

I friggin love the relationships on this show, and I find it way more relatable than Girls. Even though yes, I am not in prison, clearly, but the dynamics of their relationships are incredibly well rounded. I can not speak more highly of this show and if you have Netflix I beg you to watch it. The writing staff is like a mix between the rhythm of Breaking Bad and the power shifts of Game of Thrones, with a much needed dose of realism. It wonderful and the writing staff, cast, and crew all deserve a standing ovation.

And for godsakes SOMEONE please talk to me about the end of season 2!!!

Me at E3!

Today's blog I'm going to scoot you along to another blog I wrote that was released today. It's the reviews games I demoed and previewed at E3 so go take a look!

http://duchessriot.blogspot.com/2014/06/eeeeeeee-3.html

Yes this is semi cheating, but I did write quite a bit more in that blog! It's only day 87!

Early

I am not an early morning person.
I have never been an early morning person.

My sister was a notorious "don't wake me up early" person in that she would roll out of bed swinging at anyone who dared to wake her up.
And yet I insist upon taking up jobs that make wake up in the early morning.
Am I a masochist?

Mostly it's because I want to be productive, get the work nonsense out of the way before the best part of the day comes around. The night!
But unfortunately by the time it gets to three o'clock I'm so over the day.

But I've got things to do, as we all know I'm supppperrr busy. And by the time I get to sleep its near midnight and I have to be up in five hours or less.

I've been taking a great B12 mix to up my energy and that's really been helping, you know paired with piles of coffee and the occasional swig of crack cocaine*
 Ok, I think that settles it, I'm definitely a masochist. Why on earth do we do this to our bodies?


*Crack cocaine is a term in this instance signifying Red Bull

World Cup Acting

I used to play soccer, or footie for you purists out there, and I know the gamut of injuries that can occur. But none of those prepubescent scrapes could ever prepare me for the phenom that is World Cup Acting.

Now something like this from yesterday's match between USA and Ghana, this was an injury

Home boy Dempsy legitimately got kicked in the face, and it was a beauttttiiifffulll kick too.

Then we've got this debacle which took me a second before I realized the trick this dude throws.
It's AMAZING.

If you're not into watching the World Cup for the sports or the nationalism, then I suggest watching it for the drama. It get pretty heated and the theatrics are some of the best acting since Degrassi

90 Day Challenge

It has come to my attention that I have been sorely lacking in the area of writing. 

(She wrote after nearly a 2 years of not writing in this blog)

I love writing, as it helps me work through the randomness of my life, and becuse of it I've decided to do a 90 day challenge. 

Yes. 

90 Days of writing. 

Uff. 

The very thought of that is makes me take bets on myself on what day I'll quit, but I'm hoping by the end of that 90 days to come out with a solid everyday writing habit. Although I know exactly how these things usually go for me.

It's like working out. I'll plan to work out for say... a week (gross), you know keep it simple so I don't crap out on it and by Friday I can feel fully accomplished! But usually, I'll take the first two to three days seriously, make an excuse on day three, and by day four I've already quit. 

Cuz I'm consistent like that.

This may go that way, but since I don't have to break a sweat typing, this might also be a little more doable and exciting! And what better day to start on a habit than a Monday morning! 

So happy Monday to you all, and may the 90 days be as fun for you as they will be for me!

~ Goof Gettin On It Once Again.