I'm Sorry, What?

So I've had two auditions today. A rare treat after the three week drought. The first audition went well, but Lord I was not expecting the second audition.
The description said they were trying to start something akin to Live in Color. An improv type show, why yes  I'd like that very much thank you!

They said to prepare a 3-7 minute "skit' and bring a partner if you can. Well I had no duo act so I decided to bring Bertie along for another audition. I had a whole monologue set up. Rife with awkward twitches and informative tips on "being hip"  I was set.

I grabbed my roommates Flip on the way out so I could get some shots for Bertie's next installment, plus it was like warming up on the ride over.
I left with plenty of time and got off the freeway on Woodman Ave. I suddenly had this weird feeling about that street that I couldn't put my finger on right. Then it hit me, Woodman Ave was the street I would turn on to get to Sherman Oaks. It was the street that I had taken to go to an old improv group, several auditions, and even a meeting with an agent. All of these places had been scams.

So needless to say I had a little prejudice about this street.

I turned down a few more streets until my GPS spouted 'you're destination is approaching' ... and that's when I saw nothing but a shady back alley.
Alright. I thought. It's just got to be past these... loading docks. Somewhere, near a main street maybe? I drove around the area, searching for the address.
Nada.

I called up my roommate to double check the address and quickly found out this place didn't really exist. I was about ready to head back tossing this audition aside as another stupid trick when I thought
 Well it can't be a scam if they haven't even met me yet.

I thought back to one of my first Hollywood auditions, a production of Twelfth Night (apparently the only Shakespeare show SoCal does now days). I remember freaking out because I was late and the only thing I could find at this address was a tire shop. I had my dad look up the address and found out that they had transposed a few numbers. When I finally arrived I had a brilliant audition because all my nervous energy was gone and I performed to the top of my game.

So, calm down, this will work out. I got the auditioner's number from my roommate and gave them a call...
No answer.

I left a message, "Hi I'm supposed to be auditioning for you," I look at the clock, "right now, but I can't seem to find the building. I think that there's something wrong with the address you gave out. If you could call me back that would be great." Otherwise I'm going home and puttin my pj's on!

I hung up and pulled off to a side street waiting for the phone to ring.
A half hour goes by.

Annoyed I call again, this time someone immediately picks up, which threw me a little.
"Hello there"
"Oh, hi. Yeah I just called-"
"About the place, you can't find it! Oh yes, I know darling!"
Her voice was very cheerful, and somewhat British. Which immediately made me warm up to her because I love accents! Calling me darling was cute but instantly made me nervous that my attire, jeans tennies and a typical Bertie tank with a yellow jacket, was a little underdressed.
"Everyone's been calling me up saying they can't find the place. I'm on my way, I'm actually running late myself and I can't understand why! The address was in the email darling!"
"Oh yes I know, but it's incorrect or something, because I don't think it exists."
 Her voice flipped into a stern, almost scold, "No. It exists."
Back peddle!! "Yes I know it does, but the address isn't anywhere I am. I think the numbers were-"
"Darling don't you have a GPS??
Woah there assuming, "Yes I do, but it's still not showing up. Can you tell me what the building looks like?"

She gave me a few small descriptions of what she could remember, gated building tan (maybe black) exterior, then said, "darling I'll call you when I get there and I have more info"

I hung up and started scouring the area for this vague building. Several of which were tan, and gated.
None were black.
All were either whole sale car supplies, or loading docks for Lord knows what.

I finally pulled up to an unmarked, Oh that's a good sign, building that was gated and looked almost like it could be an office. There were statues of steel people swinging baseball bats outside. I figured if anything this might be the place. So I parked my car in front and waited.

Another half hour rolls by, a sign above me reads One Hour Parking Only until 8pm. It's 6:45.
 My nervous energy grows again.

**Warning. If the rest of this story makes you think I don't get it, you're not alone**

Just leave, this is weird.
I can't, what if this is a really great opportunity. I need acting And auditioning experience, any experience is... well maybe not any experience is good
It's getting dark...

I step out of the car to take a look around. A tall woman approaches me decked out in a turban, beautiful floral halter dress, and some expensive looking heels.

"Darling are you here for the audition?" Her accent is British, huzzah! I found the place!
"Yes I am, you must be-"
'"Eefy! But I'm really Pam"
"Oh...sure. Well my character's name is Bert-" And she just walked away. Okay.

I turn around to grab my headshot and Bertie jacket out of the car. As my butt is hanging out, she turns back and says, "Are you funny?"
I'm sorry, what....?
Not knowing how to respond I say, "Well I am now!"
What the hell does that mean?
I have no idea.

She stands by the gate as a shorter, older man slowly walks out. He literally saunters to the gate. When he opens it he says "Hey beautiful" and they Hollywood kiss each other.

She introduces me as I shake hands and he leads me into the dimly lit building.
Wow this would be cool for a Halloween haunted house... what am I getting myself into?

There were antique furnishings as far as the eye could see. Large princess chairs and kingly wardrobes. Huge fountains, and lengthy velvet curtains.
This would be cool, if it weren't so creepy.

I was led through the maze of furniture into a makeshift set. A large steady cam mounted on this ten foot extended arm sits in front of a huge flat screen monitor. Lights are mounted on polls facing this, I guess you'd call stage. A long red carpet led up to a raised platform with gold painted mirrors and greek-style pillars. Only problem was there was no where to stand on this 'stage,' just on the small bit of carpet in front of it.

I turned to see what this, I assume producer, was doing when I realized he was gone.
Sure.

Awkwardly I stand around and set my things down on a wooden chair. A chair that I've seen many times in several theaters, one that everyone uses to simulate a King's chair. Small backed maybe two feet in total height. Only this one was with thick wood, and intricate carvings of roses and leaves. A little bit fancier and sturdier than most theater props.

There was a couple sitting a few paces away from me chatting to each other. The woman wore a black dress silver jewelry and diamond studded shoes. She looked like she was expecting a dj to pop up with the latest hits. The man she was chatting with was gorgeous. A bit scruffy, as if he just neglected shaving for a few days and was sporting a dingy grey sweater, sweat pants, and tennis shoes. Despite his outfit, he had a camera ready look.

I went to stand by them, hoping that my presence would spark their attention and engage me into their conversation long enough to tell me what was going on.
It didn't.
I just ended up standing there next to them, looking around, as the chatted away in hushed voices.

Then my good friend Eefy/Pam walked back in with another person, who I think said her name was.... Nuna? She was also dressed to the nines.
Oh I'm so underdressed.
"Sorry everyone but this whole thing is a mess, I have to pee so bad. You all sit down in those chairs get acquainted and I'll be right back"

As we sat down the first woman asked me what I did, and what I was auditioning with. I told her I have a character named Bertie who beat boxes.
She stared at me.
"So... what are you going to do for the audition?"
In her thick Venezuelan accent she responded, "Oh I'm just here to clean, you know? The cameras... The wires..."
She laughed hysterically, clueing me into the fact that she was joking. The pretty man in the sweats on the other side of me laughed as well. I turned to him, "And what are you doing for this?"
"Oh no, I just came with her" he nodded to the Venezuelan woman.
"Yes, he's my lover."
"...Cool"
"But just for one night. I'm just going to hit it and quit it." She went on joking like this for sometime, so I turned to the second woman Eefy/Pam had brought in with her and asked what she'd be auditioning with.
"Oh I don't act. I'm here to support Eefy."
"That's great, what do you do?"
"I have my own line" Designer, no wonder she's dressed well, "But I want to take acting classes because I want to find my personality."

Uh...

"What kind of acting classes?"
"What do you mean?" The Eefy-assistant asked confused.
"Well there's a couple different methods of acting . You can do classical, contemporary, dramatic, comedic, improv.. anything. I really like improv because you know, it's just for fun."

I gave her info on some schools when good ol Eefy walked back in.

The director/producer/? suddenly behind the camera said, "Girl in the yellow go onstage"
Assuming that meant me I walked up to the platform, unable to actually go on the stage I waited on the carpet. The director swung the camera so it was facing away from where I stood and point it at the chairs I had previously been sitting in, and where Eefy was chatting away with the Venezuelan woman.

They joked and chatted for sometime, and I stood in front of the stage.. not knowing what to do.
The camera wasn't on me, and everyone was listening to Eefy. So...

Eefy turns to the camera and says, "Oh I didn't even realize you were filming me!" Blows a kiss, and continues talking to the other woman.

The director says "Okay where's the actors?"
I nerdly say, "here!"
He turns to me and says, "You're one of the actors?"
Ew "As far as I know..."

"Okay let's have Eefy come in and sit in the middle. You in the black dress here, and yellow girl sit on the right"
Yeah this yellow girl thing is not gonna fly.

So I do as he says and sit down. I turn to Eefy, "I don't know whats happening here"
"Oh darling we're just being natural"
"Sure, but what's going on?"
"We're just going to talk"
"Do I do my character.. or..."
"You can do a character if you want"
"Okay but, what-" Before I can say anything else Eefy was taking off sunglasses ontop of my head and fixing my hair.
"We want everyone to look good" She then handed my sunglasses to her assistant (the one on a personality quest) who took my sunglasses and disappeared.

Then the Venezuelan and Eefy were off on another joke laughing and having a good time. They talked and talked!
...I sat there.
Apparently that whole time they were filming.

"Oh I have my new fresh lettuce!" The Venezuelan laughed, nodding over to her 'lover'
"But darling, what happened to your Bank of America?" The keeled over with laughter.
"Oh he was an old piece of lettuce! He was wilting! I have my Wellsfargo now!"
And I sat there.

I would have laughed, it was honestly funny. But I still didn't know what the hell was going on!

After a while the director said "Okay yellow girl step out we're going to switch you with him"
'Him' being the Venezuelan's 'lover' who hadn't expected being filmed.

I walked off
At that point I thought, I want to go home right now. I grabbed my stuff, but then realized that I had no idea where my sunglasses were.
That's fine I'll just wait until they break and ask around for them.

But they didn't break. They kept going.
I sat next to who I assume was the first AD and she says, "So how do you know Eefy?"
Shocked, "I don't! I don't know what this is! I just submitted for this online, I don't know what going on!"

The AD instantly became the first real human being I met that night, "Oh my gosh! Oh you poor thing, this is like a reality show. Don't worry just wait around and you'll get your chance."
AT WHAT?!?

But the AD was back to working so I sat back down and looked over the area. Finally I spotted the sunglasses sitting in the Eefy-assistant's chair. I asked her for them and mouthed "I'm gonna head out" to the AD.
Eefy-assistant walked me out and said, 'Thanks for the info on the improv school, I'm sure it'll really help me find my personality."

Now I don't know what this woman was really searching for. But I figured it meant a lot, and anyway I could help her would be the right thing to do. Who knows, maybe she's just as lost in life as I am at this 'audition.'
"No problem I can give you my email if you want."
"That'd be great! Let me just prop open the gate so I'm not locked out"

As she was fiddling with the gate I went to my car to grab my phone and some paper. I turn back around to see the gate closed and the Eefy-assistant talking to the director. Suddenly they walk back into the building.
And I'm left standing there.
On the other side of the gate.
 Which is locked.

Do I wait?
A few grueling wtf-minutes pass.

Nothing.
Screw it.
I get in my car and leave. All the while shouting out loud

WHAT?!

FRANK: “At the end of it all, you’ve got to have some spectacular cock-ups.”
CYRIL: “Because then you’ll have stories.”
FRANK: “And then you’ve had a life. You’ve had a life.” ~Slings and Arrows

If you'd like to see the woman Eefy in action go on YouTube and look up "Ask Eefy"

Confused yet laughing,
~The Goof

A Little Embarrassment Used

So as I've previously posted I've been doing small segments with a character I named Bertie. This came about while I was procrastinating for a video submission.
I started goofing around and having fun when I decided to make this sort of awkward blogger. Honestly it's just been fun to do a little something on the side so that I can appease the creative urges that I wrestle with each day. I need a little outlet after serving the countless frappacinos and over sugared lattes. (Seriously, one person who orders two venti 8 pump white mochas with whip cream AND white mocha on top, PLUS an extra venti sized cup of whipped cream, per day?? Too much people... too much)

Anyway the audition that I was procrastinating for ended up being another opportunity to show off this weird character. I introduced the character as myself so that the auditioners would understand I wasn't this twitchy  uncomfortable person. Then I let the character take care of the rest.

They were looking for quirky characters for their kareoke scene in whatever movie they were producing. They asked that we pick a song from their list and perform it. (A list which included "One Way Or Another" 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and... "99 Red Balloons")
The only problem was that I would have to buy the song(s) on a site called Zoom Kareoke in order to sing along.
So I had Bertie say, "I understand that you really...implore, that all of us use mixes from, um, Zoom? I don't have money for that because I'm an actor... Please accept, my substitution" Bertie then performed all of the listed songs from the 30 second free sample clips, filling in the rest of the songs with beatboxing.
I have a knack for not doing that assignment as required...

In any case it seemed to work out because I was called in to audition in person. The director sent out an email saying they had received several hundered audition tapes and that they were selecting a few to come in and audition.
If anything boosted my ego, that did.
So I confirmed the audition and they sent me an email saying, just stick to singing 99 Red Balloons.

It didn't hit me until the day of that I didn't really know the words to the song... Much less the German words. Which is convient seeing as I have a roommate who knows the entirety of the German section, but of course I never asked her to teach me.

It's about 1:30 in the afternoon as I'm trying to scramble getting these lyrics together. Then, I think, it won't be so bad they'll only have me sing a porition of the song and be done with it. Probably just the chorus will suffice.
Since I don't have much ink on my printer I saved the lyrics to my iTouch and left the house for my improv class.
My time was pretty pressed as my class was in Hollywood and the audition was in Pasadena, right at the peak of LA traffic. Flustered I flew into the audition waiting room about an hour late when I realized something I hadn't noticed before.

I'm going into a singing audition.

Now this should have been blatent when I first submitted for a "Kareoke Audition" but the words "quirky," and "character" drove that little detail right out of my mind.
I should also note that singing in front of people, especially auditions, is one of my biggest fears. Just about every musical I've ever been cast in has been based on the merit program. People who have known me, and seen my work, are more lenient than those who have never met me.

Ironically all but one of my awards for acting have been from musical performances.

So as I'm sitting there I start thinking, it's not you auditioning, its Bertie. No big deal, just let the character audition. 
Slowly I calmed myself down when suddenly I heard a voice start singing above my head. To my horror I looked up to see two speakers perched on both sides of the ceiling.
The audition was being piped into the waiting room.

Not the directors.
Not the AD.
Not the tech guy.
Just the auditioner.

Oh yeah, and they all were required to sing the whole song.
Allllll those lyrics...

I felt myself go numb as I heard glorious singer after singer enter the room and blow away the speakers with their beautiful vibrato. Hurriedly, I scrolled my iTouch trying to commit all those lyrics to memory. Everyone was singing different songs than I was so as I was trying to hum my song "Take on Me" was blasting over the speakers.
I sucked in a long strand of air and mutter a deep and desperate prayer. "You had better be with me for this, because there's no way. There's no way!"

They called my name and I entered the room as though I were as cheerful as bumble bee, bouncing about and commenting how large this theater was, and how this place could fit sooo many people in it. When really on the inside, I was a deer in the headlights.

Remembering that this was Bertie's audition, I strutted up to the stage in full Bertie persona and said/half mumbled "Hey wassup, m'name's Bertie and I'm gonna sing for you and stuff. Also I don't have the lyrics on paper, I got em on my iTouch, cuz I'm a tree hugger and stuff. Okay, you can like hit it, or something"
Then the music started.
And Bertie danced.
Which got a laugh, so I did a little more.
Instantly forgetting that the lyrics start as soon as the music does.

When I finally started singing I was about five measures behind the music. But I kept going. And the music hit into the instrumental break, and I was still singing lyrics. Oh and I was singing the wrong words.
As I was trying to scroll my lyrics, the iTouch became sensitive to my movements, and started flipping to the side, upside down, and to the other side.

I tried to turn the iPod so that I could see the lyrics straight on, but every time I'd turn the screen to what I thought was right side up, the screen would flip again.
Aggravated Bertie blurted out, "Oh no the screen's a-flippin!"

I thought Screw it. And stuffed the iTouch in my back pocket as I started improving lyrics.
My own little crash course to musical improv, brought to you by Nena.

"You and I and our little toy truck
Buy a bag of balloons with some money we got
Set them free at the break of hummm
 Shmer..

99 Red balloons floating in the summer sky!
Can it boys, it's red alert!
There's something here from somewhere high!
Flash the message... uhh. Oh this is the instrumental break"

Unsure of what to do next I just started beat boxing. Steadily I heard in the music build as the chorus was about to come up and sang the correct lyrics.

For about four lines.

The rest of the words flew right out of my head. A tiny little thought picture of me started waving as I saw every word of this song I had been singing since I was ten fly away into the rafters.
Panicing, I started singing in fake German. That went over well.

"Hi fulife full veeder shnine
Fliefe fulldop bop beeder ghine!
Shmerny merny, scoffle dirty.
Shleedup bob bop beeder lerdy"
(I'm parapharsing really)

Slowly the music started to fade, the song was finally ending. In the back of my head I thought, Oh they're ending it early. Huh, there's more to the song.

To my great shock, and utter confusion, that last sentence escaped my mouth through the voice of Bertie.
"There's more to the song"
Apologizing the tech guy turned the song back up... As I realized I didn't know the final lyrics either.

Crap.

"If I could do one thing for you
I would buy a red balloon.
Give it to you, and you.
Maybe even one for you."

The rest of the improved lyrics escape me at the moment, but I do remember singing... even though the music had stopped.
Nervously I bowed as Bertie. Changed my posture, and said with confidence "That was Bertie!"
As though to say, that wasn't me... really. Please don't judge me.

I walked down the long aisle to where the director sat at the back of the theater, it took all my effort to maintain face as I shook her hand smiling and said, "Well, I don't know about you but I had fun!" Then I walked out.

In the words of Mike Birbiglia, "Here's where it gets bad..."

 I walked to the back of the theater, my whole body shaking. All I wanted to do was go home, curl up, and forget everything that just happened.
As if to keep me from that very task, I pushed open the door and realized I was back in the waiting room.

And perched above me were those speakers.
Broadcasting every word and grunt that escaped my mouth, for all those actors to hear.

Mortified I slapped on the dumbest smile I could muster and waved to them saying "Have fun ya'll!"
With that I exited out onto the sidewalk, where I walked among strangers whom I was thankful neither saw nor heard what had just happened.

I allowed my character Bertie to take the fall for that little mishap. It's kind of cathartic when it's a story about someone else, and not as mortally wounding to your ego when the story is about you.
As Bertie says, "I guess it's funny in retrospect"
Lol

 I let her take the story and vlog about it as you can see here




Enjoy in Laughter,
~The Goof