Advice on How to Be Insecure!

"You look tired!"
How to take this: You must always take this personally.
Even if you're tired because you've been hard at work, never mention this. Internalize the comment and tell yourself, "Wow I must look awful" because that's  really what people are saying.
Don't take it as concern for your well being, take it personally.

"Did you do something different to your?"
How to take this: Always assume the worst.
This person is clearly saying that you don't shower enough. Take all your insecurities and fill them into the words this person just said. Only then will you understand the true meaning of their comment.
Don't assume they're asking so they can try out your techniques, they're not complimenting you.

"Can I help you with that?"
Interpretation: You can't do anything.
It's finally come to this, you've been such an awful display of humanity that someone actually wants to help you. Gross. Why would they sacrifice their precious time to lend a hand? Because you screw up royally somewhere down the line and now you can't be trusted.
Don't take this as them lending a hand to be a good friend or coworker, take this personally.

"What are you doing this weekend?"
Interpretation: You have no friends.
It doesn't matter if you're an introvert! You can not and will not be viewed as normal. This is never a common question blandly asking what your plans are, this is always a statement about your lack of social life.  When this question is posed to you don't answer, turn around and walk away wrapped in your own self-loathing thoughts. You are sure to be more insecure after this.
Don't believe that they're merely asking out of curiosity, and no, of course they don't want to invite you to whatever it is they're doing.

When someone tries to give you a high five, consider it a first step in their attempt to beat you up.

When someone likes your status, it is ALWAYS an ironic thumbs up.

When someone offers to pay for your lunch, reckon that they're trying to sleep with you like a hooker and this is their way of "leaving the money on the nightstand"

Follow these sure-fire reactions and your sure to be a basket case of insecurities by the weeks end!

The Degradation of an Improviser

The following in no way reflects the views, opinions, experiences, and/or beliefs of the writer, but sure as hell entertains her greatly.

Year 1 - You're fresh out of comedy school! You perform your first show at your place of study:

You: "May I have a suggestion for an animal please? An animal, please! ... a cat! Thank you!"

Year 2 - You have a team! One girl, two guys named Matt and one named Adam! Sometimes you rehearse! Mostly you go out to bars and talk about people who've already succeeded.

You: "Can I have a suggestion of an object please! An object! Something you might find in your house?...A watermelon thank you!"

Year 3 - You booked a web commercial this year due to that crazy wit of yours! Adam books a national commercial. You feel a little rusty so take more improv classes at a different school!

You: "Can I get a suggestion for a vacation destination, please? Somewhere you'd go to relax... Anywhere not in LA?" 

Year 4 - You've quit your improv group, they were not taking things seriously. Especially Matt 2. He slept with your best friend. Growing sick of their lack of commitment, you decide to go into teaching so that future improvisers will be saved.

You: "Gimme a suggestion for a life goal. Life goal. Something you would want to happen in your life, like as soon as possible"

Year 5 - You have kids graduating your comedy class! Matt 2 just booked a role on Parks & Rec. You watch as your star pupil gets in front of an audience of 6 people and nervously asks:

"May I have a suggestion for an animal please?"

End.

Epilogue:

Year 6 - You pull up to an AppleOne in the heart of Glendale California.

You - "May I have a suggestion for a new career please?"

Relay for Life

Today's the day of Relay!

We've been doing this event this last two years and it's always fun to see what happens each year.

Usually the day starts off with the camp set up. Then Duchess Riot divies up their black and pink gear so that we all look coordinated.

Last year was super hero themed.

The opening ceremonies start to pump up the jams and the whole event takes a lap around the track with the survivors going first. 

Then the day begins! It's a slew of water balloon tosses, egg passes, dance competitions, watermellon eating races, bra putting on races(?), cardboard car races...

or in our case tank races. And then the anual tradition:

Dione and I getting married

Needless to say it's a great event for a bunch of comedians. So if you feel like joining us in a good cause make your way down to Walter Reed Middle school in North Hollywood. We'll be the booth with an obscene amount of pink. It'll be hard to miss! 

And if you can't make the event today, g'head and help a sista out! 

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/kelsaesser

Much love from the Goof and her DR pals