This whole experience was a doozey, but well worth the trip. Because it was quite the experience I’m splitting the story into a couple of posts.
Part 1: The Audition
Friggin pretty girls.
There weren't many girls at this audition, but those that were, were gorgeous. Their hair looked like they were fresh from the salon, they wore the prescribed wardrobe with ease, and worst of all:
I really gotta work on my eyebrows...
Everyone seemed pretty confident.
One woman was so confident she brought her baby. She was in and out before the tot had time to wake up in it's carrier.
Seriously.
Then there was me, the wreck in the corner, who thinks showing up five minutes early is running late. The audition was in Santa Monica and I was coming from the dentist in Burbank. I was already a mess worrying about having cavities and how much that would cost me, getting to this audition on time but me over the moon with anxiety.
Originally I set the tooth scarping up for 9:30, until I found out that my audition was at 11:30.
In Santa Monica.
Oh heellllll no.
Had this been any old audition I would have blown it off, but this was something my brand new agent got me.
Plus the breakdown mentioned it was paid
Oh helllll yes!
Besides, you don't mess with an audition your agent gets for you.
There was no way I could go in at 9:30 and be on time to this audition
So I show up to the dentist a half hour early, hoping the little tooth on their door would say open. The whole car ride I spent internally double guessing myself.
You're going to be so early!
I'm going to miss my audition
What if they make you wait until the time your appointment was originally scheduled?
I'm going to miss my audition.
I fill out paperwork, with this conversation ping ponging in my head. Unable to stand the mental bickering I tell the receptionist I'd love to be seen at the earliest convenience as I have a big audition in Santa Monica.
I don't think she took me seriously at first.
Eh, it's LA, who isn't in a rush?
Maybe it was my bouncing leg that really started rocking out once 9:30 crept up, or maybe it was how many times I checked the time on my phone within a 3 minute span that got her to get up and talk with the doctor.
Either way, around 9:45 hygienist leads me into the room where she secures me with the standard chained bib. I glanced around at the pictures on the walls which depicted lovely photos of Venetian houses and landscapes of Greece. The pictures accomplished their task and calmed me down for a quick second. Outside in the hall I saw a degree from UCLA, one of the reasons I choose this doctor.
Finally the man himself walks in.
I glanced over at my purse just out of arms reach, wherein my phone lies. I'm sure the dentist saw this and easily let it drop that he'd be getting me out as soon as he could.
Alright, I get it calm down. It's cool.
"So it says here in your file that you're afraid you have cavities"
Only because I had a dream a doctor told me I had 7 of them, and that he'd be taking them all out.
"Yes. I don't know if it just somatic" Hey there psych major "or if I really do have them, but I haven't had a cleaning in about a year, so..."
"So we'll be doing a cleaning as well."
My mother was a dental hygienist so I knew how long those could take.
"Not today of course," he assured me, he had noticed my anxious look.
This guy is good
"We can do that another time, alright let's take a look"
I opened up and he poked around.
"Ahh you still have two baby teeth, did you know that?" He caught me in the middle of thinking about my audition
"I...uh...maybe...I don't remember?"
"Well you do, and it looks like one of them has a cavity right....there"
He poked his metal hook right into the cavern of pain. I tried not to jolt forward, but couldn't help letting out a small "Ahhow!"
He poked around a little longer, pointing out some residue from old braces on the front of my teeth, making sure to drag his metal hook along the granulated surface.
That is the most pleasant sound in the universe! Akin to nails on a chalkboard, I'd say! Would you pleases keep doing this to help me understand how dentists in the 90's used out of date adhesive that left residue on a generation of clueless kids. You would? Oh thank you ever so much. There's that scrape again! Mmm, heaven!
"Well other than the residue on your teeth you could do with a filling for this cavity" He gave another poke in the heart of the cavity.
Glory!
"We'll set up another appointment to do that along with your cleaning."
I nodded and swung my right leg over the chair making to get up.
"No no," he chuckled, "we still need to get x-rays from you. Hang tight, we'll get you out soon."
My heart pounded at the thought
I'm going to be late!
Just stay calm.
This is one of my first auditions for the agency and I'm going to be late for it. They'll drop me for sure!
They aren't going to drop you.
You don't know!
Another hygienist came in and suited me up with the lead bib. I glared at her anxiously but I had to hand it to her, she was fast. I hate x-rays because the little plastic photos rub against my gums like a stale tortilla. But this lady was in and out in nothing flat.
The x-rays had to take ten minutes to develop so while I waited the dentist came back in to poke my cavity a little more while we waited.
If it's 10:30 I'm screwed, if it's 10:00 I'll be golden.
The dentist spoke to me about replacing those baby teeth with implants, but not till I was older. I sort of zoned out when he said "but not till your older"
Finally the x-rays came in and confirmed his suspicion about the cavity he so lovingly prodded.
I was free to go.
I rushed to my purse and ripped out my phone. 10:15.
We're making record time!
I thanked the office, maybe a little too much, I may have come off a bit hysterical by saying “You guys ROCK! You’re AMAZING!” and rushed out the door.
My social skills are awful before 11:00 AM
Before the door closed I heard the receptionist shout a "Good luck!"
Traffic was a like trying to get to the bathrooms at an over packed concert. Everyone seems to be going your way, but they don't know where they’re going so they just clump up.
When I finally screeched into the metered parking I realized I was 5 minutes early. By most standards that's better than on time, but for my anxious over-reactive brain, I was running behind.
There's still the sign in sheet to fill out, the actor code to print out, and the sides! Maybe there won’t be-
There's sides
Of course, but are there a lot of-
Yep. Good chunk of lines.
Okay, that's still good, now I gotta memorize!
I did the most novice thing thinkable. I only read my lines. I remember my one and only film class professors, Jill Lincoln saying, “Read everything all the way through the first time. It’s best to know context first, then memorize your lines”
Clearly I'll do that...later.
I read through my lines once when the monitor called my name. She ushered me over to sit on the bench for "on deck" people. I get up and sit next to two gentleman who would be playing the Chet to my Patti for this commercial. They were short on women so they doubled me with both of these guys.
Looks like I’ll be auditioning twice, SWEET!
The monitor then explained to everyone “These guys [the people making the commercial] are looking for big and over the top. Feel free to have fun with this one.”
Awesome!
“Also there’s literally no money in this so if you don’t get it it’s no big deal.”
Wait... what?
“The director is young and a lot of fun to work with. I’ve spent most of my career casting for cancer commercials, and this one is such a breath of fresh air in comparison. So enjoy yourselves.”
That’s good that it’s fun, but don’t tell me there’s no money after I busted my butt to get here!
I got bills to pay!
I leaned over to Chet #1 and ask, “When she’s says there’s no money…I thought the breakdown said we’d be paid?”
“Yeah, but it’s only a $500 day rate plus a buyout. So no residuals”
I wanted to fit in with his attitude so I said “Oh, yeah. Pennies am I right?”
While inside I was thinking HOLY! SON OF A....500? Heh, yes please!
I couldn’t believe these people were scoffing at 500 bucks. Clearly they weren’t on the Ramen and frozen peas diet that I had been so willing to get out of.
That money could help me with filling that stupid cavity.
The word “cavity” made my tooth twinge a little.
Chet #2 saw me studying the lines and said “Oh you don’t need those, they’ll have them on an easel for you to read off of”
I nodded saying, “That’s cool” and went back to studying the lines.
If there's one thing I learned, never take advice from another actor in an audition. A good actor friend of mine once told me never believe what “they say” until you’ve confirmed it for your own.
I was glad I did. Even though there was an easel with the lines on it, I ended up having the upper hand by being familiar with the script.
Chatty Advice Giving Chet fumbled through his lines, and I never saw him again.
Scouts honor, the best thing to be in an audition room is prepared.
I was never a scout, I just thought it was fitting. I was an Indian Princess though! Another story another time.
The audition was fun as promised, but the camera operator seemed to be displeased with everything I did. He’d give me a note about being too big, or gesturing in the wrong section of the script. Around the time I was auditioning with Chet #2 the Casting Director, who doubled as the monitor, told me I needed to be sexier with the product.
Hahaha! No.
“You want me to what?” I asked, shifting uncomfortably in my fading green polo and fuzzy purple vest.
“You’re using your face too much, don’t be so goofy. Try to go sexy with the phone.”
The “phone” being the small rectangle of black poster board. So my task was to take this carboard square and use it as though it were a phone... to be sexy?
This would go better if you bought me a drink first.
“Yeah,” the camera guy chimed in, “Show off the product while showing off your body. Use your feminine…stuff. Be sexy”
Which part of my body? My drop off ass, or my flat chest?
I opted for the chest.
I tried not to be goofy, I really did, but I think I made it worse. I stared at the camera and moved the phone in front of my pushed out chest. Just as I was doing so the “phone” unintentionally popped out of my hands. As I quickly made to grab it, it fell into my awkwardly jutted front. I dug it out of my shirt and presented it to the camera again, with a sly wink and a kiss.
“Well that’s all we need. Thanks guys.”
The cameraman sighed.
Awesome. Just blew another shot at a paycheck.
I walked out of the casting office feeling defeated. I passed several actresses who were disappearing every time they past a light pole.
I’m sure they’ll nail the sexy Patti. Oh well.
I was almost to my car when I saw a guy I recognized from the Groundlings. I nodded and waved a Hey! Before I realized he had been a Sunday performer, and probably had no clue who I was. He walked past, focused on the audition ahead of him.
I hung my head and Charlie Brown'd my way back to my car.
I drove into work quietly thinking of all the other “sexy” options I could have done. I berated myself for a bit and vowed I learn to be serious sexy one of these days.
The audition was on a Thursday and I assumed I’d hear about the call back by Friday. But Friday came and went. My dad called and asked if I had heard anything.
“No, they haven’t called yet.”
My agent asked how it went.
“I think it went well. They told me the call back would be Monday, but I haven’t heard from them yet”
"Okay, we'll see"
My roommate asked Saturday morning if I had heard from them.
“No, I’m guessing I didn’t get it because I haven’t heard anything yet.”
By Saturday night nothing had happened so I gave up on it and started looking for more auditions.
Until Sunday morning when an email popped up on my screen from my agent entitled:
“LG Callback!”
