I'll Giver Her a HA!

...And Hi YAH! And Whooo WaH! And then I kick her sir."

When I was a kid I did a lot of sports. Basketball, soccer, baseball, and even roller hockey. I'm of the belief that I still posses those skills, even though the last time I practiced any of them was over ten years ago.
Oh yeah, and I was also one step away from a black belt.
Go ahead, be impressed.

Now, when an audition pops up that says "karate skills a must" I tend to back away. Karate as a must I can not do. Mostly because what people are looking for isn't the correct way to throw a punch. Rather, they want to see me throw a punch while twirling over a burning car five times in pigtails and catholic school girl outfit. Winking at the camera mid-flight. I don't posses those kinds of skills, especially the school girl get up.
I do know how to throw a proper punch.

Should an audition arise that says "karate skills a plus," then I'm all about it. They also included "Improv and comedic timing a plus as well"
Well that's just down right meant for me.
And that is precisely what I submitted myself for.

I submit, and not too long after I get a message saying that I've being considered for the role. They send me the script, a brief comedic short of all about 3 or 4 pages. I read it over, and am intrigued by the nuances and word play.

The basic premise is a girl walking down a dark alley when she hears a plank of wood being scraped against the pavement, she turns, and comes face to face with some thugs. They threaten her, making bad puns on the word "wood" and she realizes her ultimate tool in this fight is having a better verbal comeback. The script was rife with cheesy one liners, and tongue in cheek dialogue.
At least that's what I thought it was about.

I thought it was strange that the gangsters made several puns on wood, but I went with it. I mean that was their weapon of choice, so why not? Maybe they were a gang whose all about the wood.
I came up with a few lines about timber, and some Woody the Woodpecker references. I was prepared in case of the chance to improv a few lines.
I got to the audition in plenty of time, only to find a gaggle of girls my age who were much shorter and much slimmer.
Ahh the audition room.

Being taller and not having the concentration camp* look has been something I've gotten used to. Personally I like eating cookie dough and portos potato balls, and I'm stuck with my height. There's nothing I can do about that one, no matter how many times I'm told "Oh wow, you're tall." So until I finally wise up and turn this size 8 into an appropriate size 4, all the twiggies can go ahead and keep starving themselves. I'll let you watch me whip up a fresh batch of Nestle Tollhouse if it makes you feel better.

I'm not, however, prepared for keeping up with their fashion. I hail from the land of Arizona, where the closest resemblance to fashion is big gaudy turquoise rock necklaces, sometimes with engraved lizards. How was I supposed to know that this audition would require tights under a flowy club shirt? Apparently I didn't get the memo.
Everyone seemed to have the same exact outfit but me.
I was in my typical fashion, jeans and a semi-cute shirt. (The shirt that I had worn to two other auditions earlier that week...shhhh). I wanted to spice it up a bit so instead of my usual black puma tennies, four years and still kickin,  I wear my floral patterned Mary Janes.
Do you love it?
I love it!
Guess where I got them...

As I wait, I realize I haven't printed the sides out, actor mistake number one. I berate myself for being underprepared, and sit there wondering if I even own a pair of tights. Luckily the monitor gives me a copy of the script to look over. I went through the lines a few times trying to remember where I put all the beats. When suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see a friend in the next audition room.
It's a split second before the door is shut, and it happened so quickly that I ignored it. A few minutes later the door opens again revealing my friend. She was helping out with the audition in the room next door.

I squeal, actor mistake number two (disrupting the calm of the waiting room), and we chat. Our conversation is so involved with catching up and ranting over an old issue, that I forget to look over my lines more than the one time, mistake number three.
Before I know it the monitor has popped his head out and is motioning for me to come in. I give a hasty good bye,  as I've completely forgotten that I was doing this audition.

Like jumping into a pool of ice, I walked into the audition room where I met the camera man, director, and the monitor again. The director already looks like she'd seen enough bad acting for one day. One hand on her forehead slumped over a table full of headshots and paperwork, giving me a small pinky wave for her greeting.

The monitor walks me through the blocking and introduces me to my 'thug,' who turns out to be an eight foot plank of wood leaning against a chair. On it is a sharpie drawn face with a gold chain, sun glasses, and red bandana. I laughed thinking that this was probably cheaper than hiring a stunt man to play off of for auditions.
They ask if I'm ready.
"Oh yeah, of course!" I lied. I had no idea what I was doing.

I wore a coat because it was somewhat integral to the blocking, there's a part in the script where she throws it off and puts up her dukes. I start to get situated and just as I'm about to start the monitor says "You're cold, it's cold outside"
"Right!" I say brightly, though a little annoyed because I hadn't even started yet.

I grab my coat a little tighter, with my purse and script jutting out at weird angels.
I move to the center of the room, where the scene starts.

At the right moment in the dialogue I chuck off my coat and throw down my purse, I accidentally threw the script down as well, and put up my fists glaring at the plank of wood. The cameraman starts in on the dialogue.
 Luckily I don't have any lines for about a page and a half, as the cameraman rambles off about five characters worth of dialogue. I quickly duck out of frame to pick up my script and pop back up, nearly forgetting to say my line,"You don't want any trouble"

It's sparse dialogue on my end so I react my ass off.

 At one point in the script it calls for a quick cut to a flash back scene between the girl and her sensei. Usually the director stops you and you either switch to another scene or just stop all together. Instead of doing one scene or another, they decide to power on through...

Monitor- "Okay and now something distracts you that reminds you of your teacher"
Me (thrown) - "I'm sorry, what? Did you want me to stop there?"
Monitor- "No, keep going."
Me (confused, because I still don't have the next line) "..."
Monitor -"..." (blank stare)
Me- "It's not my line-"
Monitor (cutting me off)- "There is one thing you must learn young apprentice...'

Awkward moment passes and I say my line "And what is that sensei?"
We continue the scene, which is mainly the other person talking. I continue to react. Then it's nearing the end of the scene. At this point I'm supposed to go into fighter mode. So I assume the position, and say the line "Time to knock on wood" And for the hell of it I throw out a fairly good kick.

They stop me and ask if they can see my karate moves.
Well I was just about to do that when you stopped me!

"Yeah sure," I say, "But honestly it has been a while."
"That's alright, we just want to see you throw a couple of jabs."
"Cool, do you mind if I improv a few lines?"
"That'd be great"

So I assume the stance again. You know, legs shoulder width apart, bend at the knees, fists in front to protect the face with the thumb properly tucked outside of the fist.

I throw a front jab, right hook. A little "Ha!" Kick to the groin, upper cut, left jab. A little "Ya!"
I back off a bit, bobbing, and say "Did someone say timber?"
I try my best at an eyebrow cock, which more than likely comes off as a faint gesture from the bushy caterpillar occupying my forehead.

Then I do a high round house kick to the face of that smug plank of wood. "YAH!"
I feel like their somewhat enjoying this so I pause in front of the eight by four and shout that woodpecker laugh. The one that goes "Huh hu ha HA ha. Huh hu ha HA ha. Heh heh hehheheheh"**
And I head butt the plank of wood.
"I'll show you my woodpecker!"

You'll what!?! Why did you just say that? What does that even mean?

I throw another right hook and left high kick, hoping they didn't hear that.
They chuckle a little uneasily and start their "Okay... thank you..."

I know I've lost the audition, which is bad enough. Until I go into desperate mode (actor mistake, always)
So I thought I'd show them an age old joke called The Penguin Dance.

This little diddy was shown to me by a friend in high school whom shall remain nameless, but for the sake of story we shall call the Short Mexican. Short Mexican would get a lot of flack for his stature, so he would tell these bullies he had a dance to show them. He promised it would attract any woman, and that he needed them to stand close so they could get it right. The Short Mexican would places his arms by his sides and flick his wrists out like a girl showing off a cute dress. The Short Mexican would then ask them to raise their arms as he, adorably, turned in a circle hopping from one foot to another, and began singing "I'm a penguin, I'm a penguin, look at me!"
And on "look at me" he would flick one of his hands, ninja style, creating what is known as a Ball Tap. Before the bully hit the ground he'd already run away. The once belittling bully would suddenly be reduced to a folded heap on the floor.

I can't tell you how many times I saw him do this dance, and how many gentlemen have fallen to their knees in pain. I can tell you that I laughed every time it happened.

To Be Told

We all have in us amazing stories to be told. For those in the arts it's a calling, a want, and need all at once. My senior thesis for the arts helped me tell part of my story, to great relief and accomplishment.
That performance was like a peice of the puzzle that I had finally found and was able to fit into just the right spot. I can't imagine how it would feel to never get that chance. I'm not usualy one for asking for money, but my friend's project could really use the funding. Read his directorial notes and you'll see why. The team they used is the best I've ever worked with, and all they need is a little push in the right direction.

Please help him get his story off the ground. You can see his directorial notes, and make contributions here: http://www.indiegogo.com/RYD
What I love is that this is the kind of story no one's ever told before, and frankly I want to see it finished. No I have no part in it. No this has nothing to do with me, other than selfishly wanting to see this project finished. 
If you could help by any amount I will be grateful and I know my friend will as well. 

~The Goof