Scam Me Once, Shame on You..

...Scam me twice... Shame a shammer scam... shame

 I started writing this over a year ago when I still worked at Starbucks, but the story is ripe enough to remember.  Enjoy!

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Hey again from the wastelands of Hollywood!
I finished up my "Industry Showcase" in which a grand total of three industry people showed over the course of five weeks. I wasn't all that disappointed because let's face it, the show was nothing to brag about. I could pander back and forth in it's quaint qualities, like how one of my scene partners prime choice of displaying her goodies to entice an agent, or how the other scene partner who chose to give me directing notes even though he couldn't act his way out of a box, but that's all in the past.

Recently I was called by an agent to come in for a meeting. Excited I wondered if they had seen the showcase, but as it shockingly turns out the agency had heard nothing about the showcase. Actually, it was because I had responded to a Backstage West ad requesting submissions for new talent.

When I got the call I was freaking stoked! I called the number immediately and spoke to a woman.
"Would you be able to come in next Tuesday in the afternoon?"
"Absolutely. What would you like me to prepare?"
"Just a dramatic monologue would be fine."
I was a little bummed by this. I can do dramatic just fine, but making people laugh is really a strong suite.
Suddenly I hear her say "Actually you know what? Your picture looks like you could do comedy as well, why don't you just prepare one of each."
"Great! I'll see you then"

She sent me the directions and I was off!
I made a quick call to a friend for advice. She said (and wisely so) "Know who you want to model your career after.'
Easy, Kristen Wiig or Judy Greer.
'And ask what casting directors they work with. You'll know for sure if they're legit, if they know which casting directors they work closely with."

I prepared two monologues, as they requested, and waited till the minutes at work slowly crept by. I pictured their office to be small efficient hive buzzing with activity, the front area like a dentists office, and a back room that you'd have to enter through a locked door when they called your name.
I'd go to the door, assisted by the secretary, who'd have me "go right in, they're expecting you." I'd sit down in one of their cushy chairs and explain to them why I was so passionate about acting, which actresses I looked up to, the career path I had planned, and the goals I wanted to accomplish during the year.

Perhaps they'd flash me their client list, showing off, but not too much. They'd woo me, I'd sit back and consider. Slowly they'd push a contract across their chesnut desk, to which I'd say "Let me have my lawyer look this over before I make any solid commitments." I'd joke, they'd laugh, we'd shake hands, and I'd walk out with a new found confidence to embolden my walk out to the car.

It was a lovely dream. It really was.

Finally the time came for me to blow out of work and quickly wash off the sugar plastered over my forearms from the mornings rush.
Satisifed with my new smell of Dove soap and eucalyptus mint shampoo, I quickly dressed and slapped on some make up. I was beside myself with anxiety. I breathed deep, practiced my monologues, then headed out the door.

As I got into the car I began to think, "No matter what, I'll still keep doing this. There's nothing that can stop me even if this doesn't work out today." I flung a few fumbled words up in prayer then started to feel really confident, this was going to happen. Slowly I started to allow myself my little day dreams.
Maybe within the month I could quit the morning job (yeah not day job... morning) I could get some sleep, be on set, write new material for my stand up (stuff that had nothing to do with working at Starbucks). I could start plannig for "the next step." I'd have enough money saved to start studying with new acting teachers. I'd then have to decide whether or not I'd go to graduate school sooner than later, and what course I'd like to persue. Maybe I could find the fencing class I always wanted to take. I could put aside some more money to support things like Habitat For Humanity, or organizations my friends have started

All in all I could finally start my career.

Wait. Let's slow down. We still gotta get through the meeting first.
But still... It would be nice.
Yeah, it would. But you gotta be realistic.
Hrumphh.

As I drove I calmed my nerves by thinking of other things. Recent engagements, up coming family trips, anything really. It wasn't long before I was through the traffic and turning down the streets toward the office. A route that took me past a few memory lane locations. A route, that has been riddled with scams...

With each turn I became a little more suspicious. I swear every time I'm in Sherman Oaks I run into a scam. I've made it past a lot of them but some still burn from following through. It's amazing how easily people can sweet talk things over. Get you to pay for your friends tickets in advanced to sell to people. Make the cost part of the "curriculum" until you realize no one wants to go see these little "shows" this sham of school is putting on. If you know what I'm talking about, I didn't say anything, if you don't... there are plenty of scams running under the same standards.

 The area was changing from office buildings, to high end apartments.
Initially I gave pause, but as usual, I ignored it.

I want so bad for this to be real
(News flash, your wanting it real bad changes nothing)

When my headshots were taken I met the photographer in her apartment building. So this wasn't a clear sign of anything fishy. Not yet.

Had the agent been a man, there was no way I would have kept driving. But the woman I spoke to was, well a woman, and seemed nice enough.

My car parks in front of this fairly nice apartment building, and I'm in my cluttered car trying to scramble all of my material together.
Whatever this turns out to be, I thought to myself, I will remain professional.

As soon as I step out of the car, in the gorgeous dress my roommates had bought me, I step on the hem. Unintentionally it slips a little, showing more of my chest than I care to have in public. I look around, and for the first time am thankful for the fact that it's a semi-secluded residential area. Pulling up the dress I wonder if the agent is peering out some window watching this whole haphazard fiasco unfold before I even get to the gate.

Breathe you goof!

I settle myself and walk towards the gate with confidence. Once I finally locate the name on the key pad, trying my darndest to not beat myself up for taking so long to find the correct name, I punch it and wait. The same woman answers and rings for the door to open.

Once inside, I realize she never gave me directions on how to get to her door...
I scramble.

Luckily I had made a note during the intial call for what the room number was. Thanking my dad in the back of my mind for constantly telling me to write things down, I made my way through the maze of doors.

It took a while to realize that her apartment was most likely on the second floor, a fact that would have been nice to tell me at first, seeing as the number gave no indication it was on another floor. But I guess that should have gone along with the information of "oh and this isn't an actual office"

The elevator climbed slowly up the one floor, because of course there were no stairs in sight, as I began to day dream again about what this apartment looked like. All the others I'd been to were plain on the outside and looked like an office on the inside. Donned with chairs, a small side table adorned with business cards, a blinking phone in the corner that indicated mutiple calls coming through and being answered by another phone in a different part of the house. Perhaps a tidy yet frazzled secretary would stop by, on the way to the kitchen for another cup of coffee.

When I arrived to reality, there was a scarecrow beconing me towards the door while large mat sat beneath my feet printed with the enormous letters WELCOME.
I knocked.
Nothing.
Is this even the right address?

I knocked again looking around.
I knocked a third time when I finally heard movement. I stood at attention looking as professional and non-hunchy as I could manage.

I AM confidence.


A muffled, "Hey come on in!"came from behind the door.

Okay... it's cool. Just push the door open.
This is weird.
She just can't get the door yet, no biggie.
Who can't walk two feet to answer a door?
Would you just walk through!?

I walk in to see a very tidy apartment. Freshly vacuumed carpets, a larger than life TV, a ceiling high book shelf filled with DVDs. The woman/agent in question crossed the limited vision I had from the doorway. She seemed to redirect her path towards me as if shaking my hand were a last minute thought.

"Hello, come in"
No problem...Stepford wife?

As I walked in she ushered me to sit on the couch across from her and as I did so, she stared. Very patiently. But awkwardly as well...

"Oh! Here's my headshot and resume."
"Yes of course, this is a nice shot."
"Thank you"
"Okay are you ready?"
"Ready?"

Just then I started hearing yapping... from the kitchen.
Sure.

"Oh I'm so sorry that's my dog. She gets excited when new people come in"

The agent woman moved towards the kitchen.
"Katie!"

I turned in her direction
"KATIE!!"
"Uh... yes?" I asked timidly
"Oh sorry, not you."
She started scolding the tiny dog that was sanctioned behind her kitchen counter. Apparently this little overactive pup and I share the same name.

Do you change the name for all your perspective clients?


I was beginning to beg God why I could never walk into a normal situation in my life when the agent-lady pushed the dog out of the kitchen where it bounded right up to me. It yapped and started jumping repeatedly up and down on my leg. This only added to my suspicion that the dog was actually named Katie.
You're a very confused girl aren't you? Get off my leg!

Agent-lady finally coaxed her outside onto a 2x5 balcony. Sliding the glass door shut, Katie the dog jumped up and down yapping even louder.

"Don't worry about her" agent-lady explained, as she locked the glass door "she usually stops once she's outside"
She started settling in.
Yap. BANG! Yap BANG!
"KATIE STOP!!" She got up and flipped the vertical shutters closed, then sat back down on the couch.

Uncomfortable I adjusted my dress and made sure my girls were still under wraps. Didn't want any more surprise guest appearances.

"So," I said as she looked over my resume quietly, "I prepared the two monologues you asked for."
"Oh."


Oh?!  Oh, What?

"Remember you called me and asked if I could prepare two monologues? You said my headshot looked like I could pull off comedy fairly well"
She shifted my resume to look at my headshot, the one she so lovingly commented on not but five minutes ago.

"Yes that's right. Good, yes. Go ahead."

So I did.
I decided to go with comedy first. It's my strong suite and I wanted her to be hooked from the get go.
I picked a compilation of Kristen Chenoweth lines from Pushing Daisies.
Well, I thought it was funny.

Agent woman waited until I paused to indicate my ending of the monologue to finally laugh.

You're listening skills are top notch aren't they?
I'm sorry, but I do not accept laughter in the form of pity. If I'm not funny, don't laugh. Especially if you're gonna half-ass the laugh, that's just insulting.

Agent-lady said nothing and kept staring so I went straight into the dramatic. It wasn't that long, an intense confessional-type monologue about a girl talking to a bff or parental figure explaining some traumatic nonsense, you know the typical dramatic shtick.

I could tell agent-lady was tuning out and just waiting for me to end. That annoyed me. My monologue wasn't long by any means, a minute tops! And I'd like to refrain from even entertaining the thought that I was so awful she couldn't sit through 30 seconds of my emoting. This visit was getting weirder by the minute, and it just screamed fishy. So to spite her... I started improvising.

"...And then he turned to me with that look. And in my mind I shouted SCAM This is a SCAM! He's trying to fool me! I have to get out of here. None of this is real!"

I embued those few lines with everything I was feeling in the moment and all the hatred I had for sensing this being yet another scam in Sherman Oaks.

She shifted her weight ever so slightly as I finished.

I think I threw her. Just a little.
I'm sorry, too close to home for yah?

"Very well done."
"Thank you."
"I can tell you're a good actor by how quickly you transitioned from comedic to your sad monologue."
Seriously? My 'Sad Monologue'? And I had no choice with you staring at me!
"Thank you very much"
"So do you have any questions for me?"

Yep! Just a few! How about who are you? Who do you work for? What are you trying to pull on me so I can just report you to SAG and get the hell out?

Instead I settled for, "What casting directors do you work with?"
"Quite a few! I was in the acting side of the business a while ago so I've made a lot of relationships."
"That's great! So which ones?" I smiled, knowing I had hit my first red flag
"Oh I can't remember right now"
Uh huh. You must be really good friends.

"Well, that's too bad. What agency did you say you worked for?"
"I've been with them for a while now. I used to be on the acting side like I said, did a few TV shows and spots. Then I started with..." She handed me a card that said her name on it and Karen Cole Talent Agency. "...from there I've been seeking new talent"

"Your agency is located..."
"In an office not to far from here"
Then why am I in you're apartment??
"Then why are we-"
"So you do improv?"
"Yes I do, but"
"Oh more questions?"
"Uh, yes. How does your agency work exactly?"
"We submit actors to casting agents..."

I know how an agency works. How do you work!?

'...and book them auditions through actors access, which you have already right?"
"Yeah, so you submit people through actors access? How's that different from what I do now?"
"You've trained with the Groundlings?"

She's trying to distract me now. And it totally works. I talk about what Ive been doing lately. The showcase I'm in, the short films I'm either working on or have done. I completely forget she hasn't answered my question yet.
And she never will.

It's tricky, when she starts to throw flattering words out. I realize she's sweet talking me and I snap back to reality.
"I'm sorry I suppose I'm still not clear on how this is run"

She's annoyed by this. From her point of view I could understand annoyance if I was asking "How do you push buttons to send an email?" But I'm not!
"We, know agents and have better connections so we'll see breakdowns before you do. We submit you for things. You go on auditions."
I drop the subject because I've clearly hit a chord with agent-lady that she doesn't want to be asked about again.
I only say that because she's glaring at me now.

There's another painful pause as she looks at my resume. The silence grew to a point where Katie, the dog, decided it was time for her input.
Then, "Do you still know some martial arts?"

YAP yap!

"Yes, actually"

yap YAP yap!

"And you roller blade"

YAPPITY YAP YAP!

"Got em in my car."

YAAPP YAP YAP YAP

"Alright well it was nice to meet you."
"Yeah. Thanks"

I rush out the door and far away from agent-lady and her dog potentially named Katie. I called everyone I knew to try to legitimize this woman. Not a soul had heard of her and she wasn't SAG franchised (a big red flag). So needless to say it was a waste, but I never signed anything nor was I contacted by them again.
Thankfully.

Hindsight makes me wish I had improvised a little more in that dramatic scene, maybe thrown in some Mackers "Red Spot" action to shake things up and draw it out longer than that grueling minute was. But alas, what's done is done.

In the end, I hope I wasted her time as much as she wasted mine.
Still smiling a whole year later,
~The Goof

I Scared A Little Girl Today...

Well technically it was yesterday but I couldn't post this till today.

So as the story usually goes I was at an audition. I had received a casting notice for a production that involved masks and puppetry. I was especially excited about the puppet because ever since Muppet Treasure Island graced my childhood I had always had a small yearning to be a muppeteer. So I submitted and got called in for Sunday in the morning right at 11:20.

I had honestly considered not going over various reasons like being too tired, exhausted from getting cut from virtually every audition I go on, and more specifically the world cup was on at 11:30! I had gone back and forth, waffling over whether it was worth it. Until the night before I was talking with my sister and she asked how I was doing and if I had any auditions coming up. I told her honestly that I had been pretty down lately after being rejected so many times, and was debating on whether or not it was even worth going to this crazy mask and puppet audition. This of course is just the life of an actor, being rejected on a regular basis, but it can be extremely trying and sometimes I let it eek over into other areas in my life.

Like not feeling confident enough to make real decisions. I get flustered and untrusting of how I make my choices, deeming my skills in decision making as flawed because I clearly haven't been very successful in my career yet. It's a long way around the bend, but that's how my thinking twists in my head.

"I just really want to be in a show!" I whined. (Because I am an adult and that's what we do)

"Well you know how you get into a show?" my sister asks ironically.

Smirking I nodded and decided it was best to go to this silly audition.

The requirements seemed simple enough, bring in a movement piece and we will have a cd player if you need back up music. When I got home from my sisters house that night it was nearing midnight, a mere eleven hours before I had to be at the audition. As soon as I sat down to think about what I was going to do my mind went blank.

Great timing brain.

I looked up my iTunes music to see what I had in storage but realized that my computer is awesome and had randomly deleted over half my library, just because it felt like it. So every other song would pop up a message something like "This file could not be found because it potentially does not exist, would you like to try and locate it?"

Sweet.
I was at a loss until I remembered a project a good friend of mine had created. It included music from Amelie. I loved the movie and the music, and the way my friend incorporated it into her show worked really well in regards to movement.

Now I'm not one for stealing ideas. Perhaps expanding on ideas is more what I do, but I did feel a little guilt in the back of my mind that I wasn't being entirely original. But I did it anyway.

I picked the third song on the cd "La noyée" and began to burst a vein trying to think of a simple story I could express with just my body.

It was nearing 1:30 when I finally settled on the genius plan that this would be about a girl getting up for work. She can barely lift her head until she has her coffee then realizes she's late and rush out the door. She'd try to catch a cab being blown over by the cars rushing past and eventually had to pay someone for their scooter.

It was cute, simple, and quaint but at 1:30 in the morning... it was brilliant!

I realized as it was nearing 2 that I was using my face way too much. Considering this was supposed to be a masked piece in which we "expressed emotions through movement" I was pretty sure facial expressions might be considered cheating. So before I went to bed I set my alarm to wake up right before Jo-Ann's opened their doors.
As the alarm went off "La noyée" played and I did a quick rehearsal of the piece before I was up and about getting ready for the day.

I rushed off to Jo-Ann's in Glendale nearly missing it twice because it's in a really random area of town. I was helped by a next to clueless man who ended up having to turn me over to a much younger and more assured clerk. As soon as the receipt was handed over I was tearing open the plastic package and taking out the blank mask.

I examined the mask in my car timidly putting it on and looking at myself in the mirror.

I looked like a creep. Especially with my hair down.

Becoming ridiculously shy in the empty Jo-Ann's parking lot I started my car and headed off to the audition. When I arrived I was about 40 minutes early, so I parked in a free residential area. Seeing as I hadn't practiced the piece with the mask I decided to do a quick run through in my car.

Paranoid, as always, I looked around to see if there was anyone watching. The houses looked deserted and I assumed everyone was watching the world cup.

Come on I coaxed myself. Don't get shy now. Since when have you been so bashful?

Considering this for a minute I pulled the blank mask down over my head and played the music. I quickly became aware of how hard it was going to be just to breathe. I moved through the motions and noted where I'd have difficulty seeing and how I'd have to move more specifically to get an emotion across. I was suddenly on fire with inspiration. I ran through the movements with great flourish and without hesitation.

As I neared the end of the piece I whipped my head up and saw the little girl staring at me.
She was walking with her mom down the sidewalk I was parked on. She was maybe four or five years old and wore a pink shirt and her hair was in sloppy pig tails, falling out most likely from running around too much. Her face was serious, as though the morning’s exuberance had never happened. She'd walk two steps or so and turn back, her mother dragging her along.

I sat in my car frozen to my seat, as though I had been caught in the act; which... I had been. The girl noticed me staring back at her and stopped dead in her tracks no longer allowing her mother to take a single step further. Confused her mother turned as well. I sat their horrified that creepy ol me was still wearing this masking sitting in my car... my hands still up in the air.

Slowly I lowered my hands and lifted the mask off.

The girl dropped her mother’s hand, as though she had confirmed that this weirdo had finally materialized into reality. And mom kept staring too.

Uncomfortable and glowing bright red I checked around my car as if there were something else they might be looking at. I thought maybe there was something more eccentric than me around... but nope it was just me. And them.

I turned back around to see their backs faced to me as mom rushed tiny pig tails away from whatever this was.
Part of me was thoroughly embarrassed.

But the other part, that crazy deranged side that's kept me doing theater for years... that part laughed.