My Doctor

I friggin love my doctor.

Mainly because she doesn't pander and is hysterically blunt.

Last year I was working three nearly full-time jobs simultaneously (not fun, if you were wondering). One job required me to stand outside for hours in winter, which no isn't saying much in terms of LA weather, but is saying a lot when you're already exhausted. As I started depleting my extra-curricular careers I started noticing a severe drop in my energy.

I couldn't drive ten minutes without taking a nap. Everything in my body hurt and I was starting to get a sore throat. I finally sucked it up and went to the doctor, an act I typically refuse because it's usually expensive for no reason.

Hey we'd like to take your bodies resources to look at, now please give us lots of money for that.
kthxbye

After a few tests my doctor said "Ok, so you're breathing at 20%, you have bronchitis and it's getting to the point of pneumonia."

My mind flooded with, I'm not breathing?? Oh shit this is bad! And, don't people die from pneumonia?? And goodbye all the money, all the money goodbye.  


My doctor took one at me, tears welling in my eyes, blood draining from my non-breathing face and said this most brilliant thing, "Well don't freak out, I'm gonna give you medicine."

Then when I went to my first momentous "Lady Visit," or "pappy,"  I was pretty dang nervous. You hear horror stories about what happens in the stirrups, but despite everything people told me I still felt like I was going in blind.

My ever perceptive doctor saw my anxiety ridden face and said "First time?"
I nodded.
"But you've done tampons before right?"
"Yeah."
"Ok this won't be so bad"

After an experience of what I can only describe as my doctor's failed demonstration of muppeteering, my head was swimming in pain.

"That didn't feel anything like a tampon."
My doctor turned to me smirking,
"Never said it was gonna feel like one. But you relaxed didn't you?"

Touche