If It's Too Good to Be True, Screw With Them!

So I wrote a blog on Monday detailing how, while bored, I had signed up to do online surveys.
If you're a lonely person who wants people calling you nonstop, I definitely recommend this.

Come Monday morning, following my boredom escapade, and while traipsing through the bowels of the internet, I was suddenly inundated with phone calls for Loan and Insurance offers. The sudden onslaught of "20 Missed calls" in three minutes was a little overwhelming and I decided to put an end to all of it.
I unsubscribed, told people I was no longer interested, and "Yes thank you for the $200 Burger King Gift card, go ahead and send that along. Kthx bye"

And then this gem of a call came through.

I have a friend who calls regularly from a "No Caller ID" number (She's real popular) so when I saw that pop up on my phone, I assumed it was her. To my surprise, it was not her, but a thickly accented gentleman telling me "Hello, you have just been randomly selected to be given $9,248 from the government. Congratulations."
Once again, bored, I decided to play along. In a monotone voice I said:
"Oh wow really, that's a very specific number."
"Yes, you're welcome, okay. You have received this because you do not have a criminal record in the past 6 months."
"Yeah, you know that's very true, I have some friends who wouldn't qualify in that case"
"Uh...yes, okay, you must call 206-201-2604, and give them this code AS1063 in order to receive your earnings. Again that is the amount of $9,248 and it is a non taxable sum of money."
I laughed Really hard at that. Not only was the "government" giving me a giant sum of money, they were also willing to not tax it. Wow! What kindness they were showing me.**

Wish they showed me this kindness when I was doing my taxes for last year!

So I decided to go a little further and I called the number from a scrambled number.
Unsurprisingly, I was met by yet another unusual accent:

"Uhh, yes hello. And congratulations. You have called the United States Treasury"
"Have I now?"
"Uhh...What?"
"What?"
"Uhh, yes, do you know why you have been awarded this rare once in a life time opportunity?"
"Scam reasons?"
"What?"
"What's that?"
"It is because uhh.. you have no criminal record in the past six months and you have been randomly selected to receive this money."
"Well bully for me!"
"Uhh... yes. There are a few ways you can receive this generous sum of money. You can receive in the form of cash. You can have it transferred to your bank account, or it can be send to you in a check"
(Yes he said "send to you")
"Now, miss, how would you like your money?"
"In nickles and quarters"
"...what?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. In nickles and quarters please"
"Uh, miss I - uh, we uh-"
"Hey where you calling from?" (I know I called him but I just wanted to see what he'd say)
"The US Department of Treasury!"
"Oh really?"
"Yes"
"What's you're address"
In a rapid fire response he rattled off "200 Independence Drive, Washington DC 20201"

I'd later fact check this and find out that it was indeed a federal grant office, well done scam man, but there was one thing a bit off with that:
"Washington DC huh? Then how come you're area code is in Seattle?"
"Miss, Uh- do you want- you are just..."
Dial tone.

That guy hung up on me! I mean the nerve of some people! I was having a delightful time with this gentleman, and broseph just cuts me off.

Well sadly I'm out $9k, but we can always hope for another day when I get a call about the government giving me a once in a life time chance!

~Goof

** Footnote regarding nontaxable grants - this is a pretty common scam. Certain grants like a Pell Grant can actually be a non taxable grant but that's only for educational reasons. That kind of grant can be hard to come by and has a lot of requirements to qualify. You can always find out more about scammers on websites like this -https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0113-government-grant-scams

Just remember: If it's too good to be true, then screw with them!

My Doctor

I friggin love my doctor.

Mainly because she doesn't pander and is hysterically blunt.

Last year I was working three nearly full-time jobs simultaneously (not fun, if you were wondering). One job required me to stand outside for hours in winter, which no isn't saying much in terms of LA weather, but is saying a lot when you're already exhausted. As I started depleting my extra-curricular careers I started noticing a severe drop in my energy.

I couldn't drive ten minutes without taking a nap. Everything in my body hurt and I was starting to get a sore throat. I finally sucked it up and went to the doctor, an act I typically refuse because it's usually expensive for no reason.

Hey we'd like to take your bodies resources to look at, now please give us lots of money for that.
kthxbye

After a few tests my doctor said "Ok, so you're breathing at 20%, you have bronchitis and it's getting to the point of pneumonia."

My mind flooded with, I'm not breathing?? Oh shit this is bad! And, don't people die from pneumonia?? And goodbye all the money, all the money goodbye.  


My doctor took one at me, tears welling in my eyes, blood draining from my non-breathing face and said this most brilliant thing, "Well don't freak out, I'm gonna give you medicine."

Then when I went to my first momentous "Lady Visit," or "pappy,"  I was pretty dang nervous. You hear horror stories about what happens in the stirrups, but despite everything people told me I still felt like I was going in blind.

My ever perceptive doctor saw my anxiety ridden face and said "First time?"
I nodded.
"But you've done tampons before right?"
"Yeah."
"Ok this won't be so bad"

After an experience of what I can only describe as my doctor's failed demonstration of muppeteering, my head was swimming in pain.

"That didn't feel anything like a tampon."
My doctor turned to me smirking,
"Never said it was gonna feel like one. But you relaxed didn't you?"

Touche