Dear Roommate,

(In regards to your plants)

I would like to apologize if you come home to dead plants, but lemme explain first:

Ever since you sent me a text about watering your plants, I have been vigilant. I have remained a faithful guard, until the unthinkable happened.

One day while I was marathon watching Netflix, and also your plants, I heard a cry for help outside. My guardian instincts kicked in and I recklessly rushed out the door. 

As you know our apartment complex is gated and the cry for help came from Outside the gate! I flung the gate open and ran out into the street, but by doing so let in a group of ninjas into our apartment complex.

Yes ninjas. Stay with me.

Having realized that this was all a ploy to have me open the gate, I rushed back just before gate slammed shut! 

Luckily our over active and exceptionally nosey landlady caught a majority of the ninjas and served them all strongly worded letters, which put them in great shame and they left. 

Well... Most of them.

You see in my rush to save the person crying for help (which turned out to be a boom box strapped to a large trash can with spray painted words "Cry Baby" written on it. I can Only assume the ninjas were Firefly fans), I had left our front door open! 

I cautiously made my way up our concrete stairs. 

And please assure your father that he was absolutely correct in assuming our concrete stairs are indeed not up to code. One of the ninjas assumed the stairs would be of normal size and length, misjudged their inaccuracies, thus causing him/her (we don't know, it's just a ninja) to break their neck. So that ninja was down, but the front door was still swinging. 

Back and forth, and back and forth, and- you get the picture.

I approached the doorway, peeked my head in, and whipped it back!

But nothing happened.

My heart was pounding, my whole body tensed as I leapt through the door and shouted "HAH!"

But nothing was there. 

Everything was in order, and the front door slowly creaked to a stop. I started to calm down as I shut the front door and began searching the rooms. I couldn't find anything, so I went to the fridge to grab some water. As I leaned into the fridge I felt a great chill. Thinking it was the freezer somehow opening, as it often does when you pull the fridge door too hard, I straightened up to close it, when I saw the dementor!

Yes! A real life dementor hovering mere inches above me!! I can only assume that one of the ninjas was dementor in disguise and snuck past over nosey landlady in the first wave of the ninja attack!

Not having my wand nearby to cast a patronus, I had to improvise! The dementor lowered it's hood and exposed its scabby vacuumy face! I looked for a shield, as I heard it starting to suck. I panicked looking around for anything, the whole room had grown dark the air completely left the apartment, the plants started to wilt, when I flung open the freezer door!

 I heard a great PHhWup PhhhWup!

Cringing, I managed to force my eyes open and see that by opening the freezer door, as the dementor tried to give me the death kiss, it had instead sucked up all of your Klondike bars! (So that's why those are gone.) Seizing the opportunity I pulled the hood over the dementor, kicked it in it's tummy, and hulk smashed him into the ground! 

In doing so, some of the potted plants jumped off their perches and fell to their doom! I had one last turn on my time piece before I had to give it back to the ministry so I used it to go back in time and save the plants from falling out of their clay pots.
Luckily they are safe.
Unluckily I no longer have use of the time piece.

After a representative from the ministry popped in to pick up the time piece, and subsequently file a large amount of paperwork seeing the rogue dementor crushed on our kitchen floor, I had a little free time.

I started to watch the World Cup game, because Qudditch isn't on for a few months (obviously), and settled into our couch. I think Time Warner is still suspicious of me illegally downloading tv shows, so I got a direct call on my cell phone. Hoping it was an acting gig I put on my cheeriest voice,
"Hello!"
"Are you watching the World Cup?" they asked incredulously.
"Why Yes I am!"
"We're sending someone to check on you."
Click.
What? But this is part of basic cable! It's airing on ABC!

Next thing I knew, there was a knock at the door. And I know this next part will sound truly unbelievable, but if you wanna know what happened to your plants, you'll have to believe this next part.

I go to the door and open it. And who should be there, but Ann Coulter herself.
Yes.
Soccer hating, rabble rousing, attention seeking, Anne Coulter.

That's right.
Time Warner Cable sent Ann Coulter to our house, because Time Warner is just that evil.

She started to diss soccer loudly with the door wide open, as is her way, which drew a large crowd. All of our neighbors, even the stray cats our landlady is so fond of, came to witness the event.

I argued with her, saying that football IS the proper name as it was a sport invented before our version of football, AND it involved feet!But this played into her hand, she went off on social rants and tirades that had nothing to even do with soccer (formerly known as "Football").

She spoke so loudly and ineffectively that small tornado formed protruding out of the black hole that was her mouth! Each time the witnessing crowd grew angry and tried to argue with her the tornado grew larger!

Grasping onto the back of our already shabby couch (which was now getting shabbier), it occurred to me that the only way the black hole demon gained power was by giving her attention!
A-HA!
"Stop!" I shouted at our neighbors "Stop!" I screeched above the swirling vortex.
"She has no power so long as we ignore her!!"

But the crowd didn't hear me, so frantically I searched around for any item that may be of use.
That's when I spotted your nail polish remover and cotton balls.
The wind had knocked open your bathroom cabinets, what can I say?

I grabbed the items and shouted at the crowd, "Hey! Look! The nail polish on my toes is from before Memorial Day!"
"That's impossible" our blonde neighbor who always keeps her blinds open shouted.
"Oh no it's not!" I replied, "See how it's barely chipped!"
"Well that's good nail polish!" says our neighbor Nikki.
"Yes it is, and I'm going to remove it!"
"WHAT!?!" the crowd shouted. And as they did so the tornado immediately dropped. Ann, winded,  saw the solvent dripping off the cotton ball reaching towards my bare toes.
"NOOOOOO!" Ann screamed in an unnaturally low voice. But I ignored her, and as soon as the cotton ball hit my toe, Ann Coulter exploded into a cloud of dust that cackled and returned into the wiring heading back to her TWC layer. A spark flew out of the electrical socket and a small shrill voice cried "I'll get you next time!!!"

The crowd, realizing the excitement was over, finally dispersed. I felt extremely proud of the days deeds, but when I looked around I saw the dishevelment of your poor plants.
They're a little worse for wear, and very dry, but they're being tended to now. A local gnome gave me advice on some Miracle Grow potion that I've been working with that seems to be helping.
Along with water, regular dosages, and not too much.

I just wanted to let you know the full story, so that you could be prepared just in case all your plants are dead when you get home.
Sincerely,
Your Roommate