Advice on How to Be Insecure!

"You look tired!"
How to take this: You must always take this personally.
Even if you're tired because you've been hard at work, never mention this. Internalize the comment and tell yourself, "Wow I must look awful" because that's  really what people are saying.
Don't take it as concern for your well being, take it personally.

"Did you do something different to your?"
How to take this: Always assume the worst.
This person is clearly saying that you don't shower enough. Take all your insecurities and fill them into the words this person just said. Only then will you understand the true meaning of their comment.
Don't assume they're asking so they can try out your techniques, they're not complimenting you.

"Can I help you with that?"
Interpretation: You can't do anything.
It's finally come to this, you've been such an awful display of humanity that someone actually wants to help you. Gross. Why would they sacrifice their precious time to lend a hand? Because you screw up royally somewhere down the line and now you can't be trusted.
Don't take this as them lending a hand to be a good friend or coworker, take this personally.

"What are you doing this weekend?"
Interpretation: You have no friends.
It doesn't matter if you're an introvert! You can not and will not be viewed as normal. This is never a common question blandly asking what your plans are, this is always a statement about your lack of social life.  When this question is posed to you don't answer, turn around and walk away wrapped in your own self-loathing thoughts. You are sure to be more insecure after this.
Don't believe that they're merely asking out of curiosity, and no, of course they don't want to invite you to whatever it is they're doing.

When someone tries to give you a high five, consider it a first step in their attempt to beat you up.

When someone likes your status, it is ALWAYS an ironic thumbs up.

When someone offers to pay for your lunch, reckon that they're trying to sleep with you like a hooker and this is their way of "leaving the money on the nightstand"

Follow these sure-fire reactions and your sure to be a basket case of insecurities by the weeks end!