If It's Too Good to Be True, Screw With Them!

So I wrote a blog on Monday detailing how, while bored, I had signed up to do online surveys.
If you're a lonely person who wants people calling you nonstop, I definitely recommend this.

Come Monday morning, following my boredom escapade, and while traipsing through the bowels of the internet, I was suddenly inundated with phone calls for Loan and Insurance offers. The sudden onslaught of "20 Missed calls" in three minutes was a little overwhelming and I decided to put an end to all of it.
I unsubscribed, told people I was no longer interested, and "Yes thank you for the $200 Burger King Gift card, go ahead and send that along. Kthx bye"

And then this gem of a call came through.

I have a friend who calls regularly from a "No Caller ID" number (She's real popular) so when I saw that pop up on my phone, I assumed it was her. To my surprise, it was not her, but a thickly accented gentleman telling me "Hello, you have just been randomly selected to be given $9,248 from the government. Congratulations."
Once again, bored, I decided to play along. In a monotone voice I said:
"Oh wow really, that's a very specific number."
"Yes, you're welcome, okay. You have received this because you do not have a criminal record in the past 6 months."
"Yeah, you know that's very true, I have some friends who wouldn't qualify in that case"
"Uh...yes, okay, you must call 206-201-2604, and give them this code AS1063 in order to receive your earnings. Again that is the amount of $9,248 and it is a non taxable sum of money."
I laughed Really hard at that. Not only was the "government" giving me a giant sum of money, they were also willing to not tax it. Wow! What kindness they were showing me.**

Wish they showed me this kindness when I was doing my taxes for last year!

So I decided to go a little further and I called the number from a scrambled number.
Unsurprisingly, I was met by yet another unusual accent:

"Uhh, yes hello. And congratulations. You have called the United States Treasury"
"Have I now?"
"Uhh...What?"
"What?"
"Uhh, yes, do you know why you have been awarded this rare once in a life time opportunity?"
"Scam reasons?"
"What?"
"What's that?"
"It is because uhh.. you have no criminal record in the past six months and you have been randomly selected to receive this money."
"Well bully for me!"
"Uhh... yes. There are a few ways you can receive this generous sum of money. You can receive in the form of cash. You can have it transferred to your bank account, or it can be send to you in a check"
(Yes he said "send to you")
"Now, miss, how would you like your money?"
"In nickles and quarters"
"...what?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. In nickles and quarters please"
"Uh, miss I - uh, we uh-"
"Hey where you calling from?" (I know I called him but I just wanted to see what he'd say)
"The US Department of Treasury!"
"Oh really?"
"Yes"
"What's you're address"
In a rapid fire response he rattled off "200 Independence Drive, Washington DC 20201"

I'd later fact check this and find out that it was indeed a federal grant office, well done scam man, but there was one thing a bit off with that:
"Washington DC huh? Then how come you're area code is in Seattle?"
"Miss, Uh- do you want- you are just..."
Dial tone.

That guy hung up on me! I mean the nerve of some people! I was having a delightful time with this gentleman, and broseph just cuts me off.

Well sadly I'm out $9k, but we can always hope for another day when I get a call about the government giving me a once in a life time chance!

~Goof

** Footnote regarding nontaxable grants - this is a pretty common scam. Certain grants like a Pell Grant can actually be a non taxable grant but that's only for educational reasons. That kind of grant can be hard to come by and has a lot of requirements to qualify. You can always find out more about scammers on websites like this -https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0113-government-grant-scams

Just remember: If it's too good to be true, then screw with them!

The Degradation of an Improviser

The following in no way reflects the views, opinions, experiences, and/or beliefs of the writer, but sure as hell entertains her greatly.

Year 1 - You're fresh out of comedy school! You perform your first show at your place of study:

You: "May I have a suggestion for an animal please? An animal, please! ... a cat! Thank you!"

Year 2 - You have a team! One girl, two guys named Matt and one named Adam! Sometimes you rehearse! Mostly you go out to bars and talk about people who've already succeeded.

You: "Can I have a suggestion of an object please! An object! Something you might find in your house?...A watermelon thank you!"

Year 3 - You booked a web commercial this year due to that crazy wit of yours! Adam books a national commercial. You feel a little rusty so take more improv classes at a different school!

You: "Can I get a suggestion for a vacation destination, please? Somewhere you'd go to relax... Anywhere not in LA?" 

Year 4 - You've quit your improv group, they were not taking things seriously. Especially Matt 2. He slept with your best friend. Growing sick of their lack of commitment, you decide to go into teaching so that future improvisers will be saved.

You: "Gimme a suggestion for a life goal. Life goal. Something you would want to happen in your life, like as soon as possible"

Year 5 - You have kids graduating your comedy class! Matt 2 just booked a role on Parks & Rec. You watch as your star pupil gets in front of an audience of 6 people and nervously asks:

"May I have a suggestion for an animal please?"

End.

Epilogue:

Year 6 - You pull up to an AppleOne in the heart of Glendale California.

You - "May I have a suggestion for a new career please?"