A Little Embarrassment Used

So as I've previously posted I've been doing small segments with a character I named Bertie. This came about while I was procrastinating for a video submission.
I started goofing around and having fun when I decided to make this sort of awkward blogger. Honestly it's just been fun to do a little something on the side so that I can appease the creative urges that I wrestle with each day. I need a little outlet after serving the countless frappacinos and over sugared lattes. (Seriously, one person who orders two venti 8 pump white mochas with whip cream AND white mocha on top, PLUS an extra venti sized cup of whipped cream, per day?? Too much people... too much)

Anyway the audition that I was procrastinating for ended up being another opportunity to show off this weird character. I introduced the character as myself so that the auditioners would understand I wasn't this twitchy  uncomfortable person. Then I let the character take care of the rest.

They were looking for quirky characters for their kareoke scene in whatever movie they were producing. They asked that we pick a song from their list and perform it. (A list which included "One Way Or Another" 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and... "99 Red Balloons")
The only problem was that I would have to buy the song(s) on a site called Zoom Kareoke in order to sing along.
So I had Bertie say, "I understand that you really...implore, that all of us use mixes from, um, Zoom? I don't have money for that because I'm an actor... Please accept, my substitution" Bertie then performed all of the listed songs from the 30 second free sample clips, filling in the rest of the songs with beatboxing.
I have a knack for not doing that assignment as required...

In any case it seemed to work out because I was called in to audition in person. The director sent out an email saying they had received several hundered audition tapes and that they were selecting a few to come in and audition.
If anything boosted my ego, that did.
So I confirmed the audition and they sent me an email saying, just stick to singing 99 Red Balloons.

It didn't hit me until the day of that I didn't really know the words to the song... Much less the German words. Which is convient seeing as I have a roommate who knows the entirety of the German section, but of course I never asked her to teach me.

It's about 1:30 in the afternoon as I'm trying to scramble getting these lyrics together. Then, I think, it won't be so bad they'll only have me sing a porition of the song and be done with it. Probably just the chorus will suffice.
Since I don't have much ink on my printer I saved the lyrics to my iTouch and left the house for my improv class.
My time was pretty pressed as my class was in Hollywood and the audition was in Pasadena, right at the peak of LA traffic. Flustered I flew into the audition waiting room about an hour late when I realized something I hadn't noticed before.

I'm going into a singing audition.

Now this should have been blatent when I first submitted for a "Kareoke Audition" but the words "quirky," and "character" drove that little detail right out of my mind.
I should also note that singing in front of people, especially auditions, is one of my biggest fears. Just about every musical I've ever been cast in has been based on the merit program. People who have known me, and seen my work, are more lenient than those who have never met me.

Ironically all but one of my awards for acting have been from musical performances.

So as I'm sitting there I start thinking, it's not you auditioning, its Bertie. No big deal, just let the character audition. 
Slowly I calmed myself down when suddenly I heard a voice start singing above my head. To my horror I looked up to see two speakers perched on both sides of the ceiling.
The audition was being piped into the waiting room.

Not the directors.
Not the AD.
Not the tech guy.
Just the auditioner.

Oh yeah, and they all were required to sing the whole song.
Allllll those lyrics...

I felt myself go numb as I heard glorious singer after singer enter the room and blow away the speakers with their beautiful vibrato. Hurriedly, I scrolled my iTouch trying to commit all those lyrics to memory. Everyone was singing different songs than I was so as I was trying to hum my song "Take on Me" was blasting over the speakers.
I sucked in a long strand of air and mutter a deep and desperate prayer. "You had better be with me for this, because there's no way. There's no way!"

They called my name and I entered the room as though I were as cheerful as bumble bee, bouncing about and commenting how large this theater was, and how this place could fit sooo many people in it. When really on the inside, I was a deer in the headlights.

Remembering that this was Bertie's audition, I strutted up to the stage in full Bertie persona and said/half mumbled "Hey wassup, m'name's Bertie and I'm gonna sing for you and stuff. Also I don't have the lyrics on paper, I got em on my iTouch, cuz I'm a tree hugger and stuff. Okay, you can like hit it, or something"
Then the music started.
And Bertie danced.
Which got a laugh, so I did a little more.
Instantly forgetting that the lyrics start as soon as the music does.

When I finally started singing I was about five measures behind the music. But I kept going. And the music hit into the instrumental break, and I was still singing lyrics. Oh and I was singing the wrong words.
As I was trying to scroll my lyrics, the iTouch became sensitive to my movements, and started flipping to the side, upside down, and to the other side.

I tried to turn the iPod so that I could see the lyrics straight on, but every time I'd turn the screen to what I thought was right side up, the screen would flip again.
Aggravated Bertie blurted out, "Oh no the screen's a-flippin!"

I thought Screw it. And stuffed the iTouch in my back pocket as I started improving lyrics.
My own little crash course to musical improv, brought to you by Nena.

"You and I and our little toy truck
Buy a bag of balloons with some money we got
Set them free at the break of hummm
 Shmer..

99 Red balloons floating in the summer sky!
Can it boys, it's red alert!
There's something here from somewhere high!
Flash the message... uhh. Oh this is the instrumental break"

Unsure of what to do next I just started beat boxing. Steadily I heard in the music build as the chorus was about to come up and sang the correct lyrics.

For about four lines.

The rest of the words flew right out of my head. A tiny little thought picture of me started waving as I saw every word of this song I had been singing since I was ten fly away into the rafters.
Panicing, I started singing in fake German. That went over well.

"Hi fulife full veeder shnine
Fliefe fulldop bop beeder ghine!
Shmerny merny, scoffle dirty.
Shleedup bob bop beeder lerdy"
(I'm parapharsing really)

Slowly the music started to fade, the song was finally ending. In the back of my head I thought, Oh they're ending it early. Huh, there's more to the song.

To my great shock, and utter confusion, that last sentence escaped my mouth through the voice of Bertie.
"There's more to the song"
Apologizing the tech guy turned the song back up... As I realized I didn't know the final lyrics either.

Crap.

"If I could do one thing for you
I would buy a red balloon.
Give it to you, and you.
Maybe even one for you."

The rest of the improved lyrics escape me at the moment, but I do remember singing... even though the music had stopped.
Nervously I bowed as Bertie. Changed my posture, and said with confidence "That was Bertie!"
As though to say, that wasn't me... really. Please don't judge me.

I walked down the long aisle to where the director sat at the back of the theater, it took all my effort to maintain face as I shook her hand smiling and said, "Well, I don't know about you but I had fun!" Then I walked out.

In the words of Mike Birbiglia, "Here's where it gets bad..."

 I walked to the back of the theater, my whole body shaking. All I wanted to do was go home, curl up, and forget everything that just happened.
As if to keep me from that very task, I pushed open the door and realized I was back in the waiting room.

And perched above me were those speakers.
Broadcasting every word and grunt that escaped my mouth, for all those actors to hear.

Mortified I slapped on the dumbest smile I could muster and waved to them saying "Have fun ya'll!"
With that I exited out onto the sidewalk, where I walked among strangers whom I was thankful neither saw nor heard what had just happened.

I allowed my character Bertie to take the fall for that little mishap. It's kind of cathartic when it's a story about someone else, and not as mortally wounding to your ego when the story is about you.
As Bertie says, "I guess it's funny in retrospect"
Lol

 I let her take the story and vlog about it as you can see here




Enjoy in Laughter,
~The Goof