I have been more than a year out of college. I have done my fair share of grunt work in almost every aspect of entertainment. (Or from what my limited brain perceives it has) From serving the tables, cleaning the bathrooms, pushing the sets, to sitting for 8 hours on set only to never be used nor paid. And throughout this entire ordeal only one thing keeps me from moving on.
No, not the horrible customers. No, not the roaches scampering into the bowels of the dingy disposals. Not even the prospect of never being used on set.
One word. Failure.
Failure has been my greatest fear. That I would venture out into the indecisive world of Hollywood only to be met with my imminent failure. That I would turn into one of those name dropping bitter actors that do nothing but fill you with their "knowledge" of how it all works.
I'm getting to a point where I can handle rejection, that's just nature.
I went into Hollywood truly believing that I am one in a million, but am slapped in the face with the bitter actors on their way out. They tell you that you are not one in a million. That you are less than that. That Hollywood will reduce you to a number on a page, only to be thrown out in a few days. These voices will echo every time that little glimmer of doubt hits me. The wave I feel when I go into an audition unsure of what to expect. That voice that says, "What are you doing? You aren't meant for this." With this voice is the backing of thousands of bitter on-their-way-outs (aka OTWO's) sharing their 'advice' on how you aren't smart enough, tall enough, thin enough, short enough, white enough, dark enough, etc.
Because of this I have not found comedy that was "enough". I judge each comedic work on the pure discipline that theory has set me up with. Unless it's brilliant, it isn't enough. That is the theory that OTWO's plant and fester into me. This is the subtle theory that I have even gleaned, perhaps unreasonably, from my education since high school.
Recently I was in class, a class I had previously failed and am taking again, and the teacher said "Comedy is great. It gives us the opportunity to fail and move on. It's like baseball stats, twenty percent of the time you'll see that failure. It's that willingness to fail that makes it fun"
That's the danger of it all right? Comedy makes us ease the tension by laughing because we're so surprised it worked out some how. Like we can see the train wreck it's about to become, but then something beautiful happens.
"My reason may very well be hanging by a thread. Well, my friends, it is my belief that the best things happen just before the thread snaps" ~ Geoffrey Tennant Slings and Arrows
Most pursuing-their-far-fetched-dream people have these OTWO's who have been stricken by misfortune one too many times to handle. Some people call it upon themselves, other's just have bad luck. Either way you can see their misfortune taking root in their personality, and becoming part of who they are defined as.
Recently I had a thought when I walked into work, "This job, though grueling and tedious, does not define who I am. Once I am off work, then I get to choose and become who I want to be." It's made me endure the short hours with a little more ease.
This past weekend I realized that my sole technique in acting has been based on my "talent." I have assumed that since other people have labeled me as talented then others would as well. After several failed auditions I began to take it personally. And when I failed my class, a somewhat foreseen circumstance, I began to believe I was also a failure.
I had forgotten one of many things. 1) I am only a failure when I stop trying and 2) The grace of God.
While pursuing this career it's easy to get caught up in the details of "me". I assume that each rejection and the class notes are a reflection on who I am. When did I start giving other people the power to define who I am? When did I start taking criticism so personally?
I have never ventured so far in this blog to state my religious perspective, so allow me to do so now. I am God fearing. I believe that the grace of God has created me to be something more than what I can see, and more than others can as well. I believe that the love of God is what allows me to see the commonality of people so that I am not just a head in a crowd. So that being apart of that as well as an individual within that, I can create something humorous. Hopefully.
"We like to be joyful, hopeful, helpful. Lots of full words. I was wondering about the word awful. Shouldn't that be a good thing? I mean that sounds like the very basis of a religious life. A person who goes out and is filled with awe. Shouldn't you be awful?" ~Pastor Steve
I forget so easily how reliant on God I need to be. Not in a "Lemme pray and God will fix it all for me lickety split!" But in a way that whatever the outcome, I can face it because He is with me.
I'm sounding preachy, I know, but honestly how many people did God use that were total failures? Losers like Paul... the artist formerly known as Saul.
What an ass, right?
In reality this is just a means by which I can work out my thoughts. I'm having massive writers block, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge my steadily decreasing time limit, while writing my set for this coming Monday. And the one thing I keep thinking is, what if I fail? What if this is the gig that goes wrong.
My stubbornness in writing translates into my stubbornness of relying on God. I'm such a backseat driver that I can't help but try to do this all on my own.
So I beg your prayers, that I can rely on God as not a crutch but as a mentor. To realize that He alone is the only one that will catch me when I dance on the edge of failure. And I thank everyone for their continuous support.
I pray that whoever reads this continues to find hope and laughter in whatever dream they pursue.
Smirking a tad,
~The Goof
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